Not Mother

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl!

2011-09-04T11:36:00.004-04:00

Nine years old already. Where did the time go?

Adoption Panel

2011-08-06T15:50:00.000-04:00

The weekend after visiting with my daughter, I was part of a birthparent panel at a one-day training session on infant adoption.

I've never done anything like that before, and had no idea what to expect. I had just flown back home the day before so I made the mistake of missing the morning session. I don't think most of the afternoon panel members (adoptive parents, adoptees, and birthparents) went to the morning session, but I think it would have been very valuable.

The adoptive parents and adoptees went up first. I listened carefully to their stories. Lots of talk about openness, but none as open as mine. The questions were the interesting part. I listened carefully, noting which ones could be asked of the birthparents also and thinking about my answers. I was started to get excited about speaking.

When we got up there, we were asked to give a brief description of our adoption situation. I listened to some heavily grieving folks, and then it was my turn. I did okay. I was still on a high from having such a good visit so my biggest worry was that I made it seem too easy. Those of you who have read this blog know I don't find it easy. I know I made it seem like it though. My husband told me later that I should have talked longer, but I didn't want to take up too much time, and I figured I'd get the chance to answer questions.

The other birthparents spoke. I definitely didn't fit. But we were all so different that we probably all felt that way.

Then it was time for questions. But there were none. People are still awkward with birthparents. It was so clear after we spoke. No questions, and then when it was over and we rejoined the crowd, a couple of people came up to me to than me, but most of the people just gave me a wary look.

I would do it again though. And next time, I'll prepare ahead so I don't make it seem too easy.

The Rest of My Trip

2011-08-06T15:39:00.000-04:00

The rest of the visit with my daughter couldn't quite match up to the first half, but it was still wonderful. I was just so happy that I felt so good during this visit.

We got a slow start on Sunday, and they had invited another family over for dinner, so my daughter and I just played outside for the first part. We all went grocery shopping together during which my daughter and I were sent on little missions. While her mom got the food ready at home, my daughter and I went and got our nails done. I've had mine done three times total in my life (I consider it too much of a luxury item to spend the money on it.), but my daughter is a pro.

The other couple and their daughter came over that evening. My daughter ran off to play with her friend, and I stayed with the adults. The mother clearly wasn't comfortable with me, but the father was decent. Those situations are always so awkward, but I didn't feel nervous the way I used to.

On Monday, my daughter wanted me to go to her camp with her. Looking back, I feel bad for not staying as long as she wanted to, but I had sunburn on my scalp and just wanted to get out of there. Everyone at her camp was really nice to me. It was the first time that my daughter hesitated about what to introduce me as. In the past, she's been very open and excited about telling everyone I was her birthmother. This time, when the camp counselor asked how to introduce me, my daughter thought about it before settling on the truth. I don't know if some of the adults' discomfort is starting to show or if it's just an age thing.

Anyway, I had a fabulous time, and I can't wait until next year's visit.

Perfect Day

2011-07-10T00:15:00.012-04:00

Today was perfect.

I flew back to my homestate this week, and drove out to see my daughter this weekend. Yesterday was movie night. First, we picked her up at daycare because she wanted me to meet everyone. Then, we got pizza and had movie night with the family. My daughter has decided that we're sharing the pull-out couch this weekend, so I had a sweet little 8-year old and a pillow pet for company last night.

Today, we spent the day at the pool. My daughter spent a long time diving in the diving pool. She also won some prizes in a few games, and we did a bit of swimming together.

Tonight was really special though. Her parents dropped us off at the amusement park, and we spent the night riding rides, watching shows, playing games, and eating junk food. It was a blast and so special spending the night with her. The only down side was that she was trying to win a Germany shirt at one of the games. She needed three balls in, and got two. We tried two more times, but ran out of time.

She's really curious about where she came from and what I was doing while I was pregnant with her. She's so secure and open about everything. I wish all hopeful adoptive couples could get a taste of how good openness is.

I really wasn't looking forward to this visit. In my previous posts, I had mentioned that visits were no longer fun for me. I was planning to spend four days here and I was worried about being here for so long. But it has been absolutely wonderful. What precious moments we are having.

Last Visit

2010-06-29T22:21:00.002-04:00

I was hoping to see her twice before I left, but I was only able to see her once. We met halfway because they're doing work on their house. We had lunch and went to the aquarium. I had reservations about having my last visit be an outing like that, but I had a really good time.

I gave her a few gifts before leaving. I wanted to cry. I was reminded of the first time I ever said goodbye to her- also in a parking lot. She started to get sad, too, but I told her that when I did visit, I'd be able to stay longer. I'll see her in September. I want to go home for Thanksgiving so I don't miss our annual tradition, but I don't know how to convince my husband.

Easter

2010-05-01T22:53:00.002-04:00

I had a nice Easter visit. We babysat Saturday night. Had pizza and watched TV. We wanted to finish High School Musical, but my daughter wanted to watch some other show. She's really into her TV shows.

The hard part was bedtime. She cried for her parents for a good hour. Finally, she came to sleep with us. She was asleep in minutes. It's really hard though.

She went to church with her dad on Sunday while we hid eggs. Then we went out to brunch. It was a nice time.

I'll be moving across the country in June so I've asked her mom if we could schedule our next visit, but I haven't heard anything back. I was hoping to see them two more times before I go, but it looks like I'll be lucky to see her once.

Avoidance

2010-03-12T23:16:00.002-05:00

I don't call. I don't answer the phone. I don't even listen to the messages. When I finally had my Christmas visit with her, I didn't spend the night like I usually do (which sucked because she cried about me leaving).

I think a lot about what it was like before her. I miss those times. It's hard to know if that's what changed things or if other things did- my failed engagement, perhaps.

This summer, my husband and I are planning to move across the country. I never thought I'd move away from her. Her mother is hoping we don't go. I don't know how my daughter will take it.

I know I'm supposed to be grateful to have her in my life- it isn't like I'd want it any other way. It's just for some reason, I don't have a burning desire to be around her. I remember reading a couple of other birtmothers going through something similar and wondering how it was possible to feel that way. My daughter needs me after all. I love her. I love hugging her. I love playing with her. Still, a part of me wouldn't mind walking away.

When I think about my pregnancy though, I feel so happy. I feel that connection. Is it just because the older she gets, the less I know about her?

Maybe I'm just avoiding it. Being here in what used to be my safe place is making me miss her. Maybe it's because she's getting older. I don't know what to say to her. I'm still awkward and I want her to be comfortable.

I babysat her last time I was there. My husband was with me which made it bearable. I still can't stand the thought of being solely responsible for her. That one time I did it was enough.

I hope when we do move she'll come visit. I tried getting her to come for the weekend once, but she doesn't like to be away from home.

Lifebook

2010-03-12T23:10:00.004-05:00

My daughter read her lifebook at school.

One of the other little girls in her class is adopted. I forget the details, but the little girl's mother was going to the school to talk about adoption. When my daughter found out about it, she decided she wanted to read her lifebook. It was her idea.

I spoke to her on the phone about it. To her it was no big deal. She didn't even think to tell me until her mom told her to. I guess she read it all by herself, too.

It's so nice that to her there is no shame in having two moms-and these days that's what I am to her (makes me feel all warm inside).

I'm really happy that I made her that book.

Birthday Visit

2009-10-02T16:42:00.004-04:00

So I'm a little late, but I guess I should post a little bit of her birthday.

Lots of hugs, some sharing with friends about birthmom-birthdad- brother stuff. Wanting to know names and if they'll come visit. Acted like it was a source of pride with her friends. At this point in her life she seems really secure with the fact that she was adopted.

It was a rock climbing party. All the other kids were actually doing it and trying. She was the only kid not doing it. It bothered me.

We went to her house and she opened presents. She really liked what I gave her which made me happy. Found an age-appropriate Judy Blume book which her mom was pleased about.

Bed. I didn't sleep at all that night, but I had forgotten my medication so that might have been why. Wasn't even tired driving home the next morning so who knows.

It was a good visit. Nothing earth-shattering to write about. I guess I need to write sooner so that at least if there's nothing adoption related, it'll still feel like a fun post.

Anyone there?

2009-09-03T22:04:00.003-04:00

I'm having trouble believing it's been so long since I posted or how little I posted last year.

Tomorrow my daughter turns seven.

I'd like to say I enjoy visiting more, but I'd be lying. I don't enjoy it.

As for her, she's amazing. I love talking to her. She's still really into the two moms- left me a message that she loved only me. I keep wanting to call, but not remebering. I think I've only managed to call once.

I'm going to make her her own wedding album. I used a computer template to make an official album. I liked it and the photographer's work so much that I want to make her her own album- I think it was an important day for us both.

The party will be next weekend so I'll try to post about that while it's fresh. I do hav a few gifts this year, but it's next to impossible to buy a gift for a kid who has everything. Last time I talked to her, I asked what she wanted and she replied, "You don't know what you're getting?"

I do love her hugs so I can't wait for those. And I'm much more stable- finally getting appropriate treatment (a story for another day perhaps)- so I can handle life a bit better.

I hope my absence her will be more brief. I'd like to have my space back.

Visiting

2009-06-07T15:13:00.005-04:00

Where to begin?

Had a panic attack before leaving. I didn't want to go.

Once I got there it was good. We went and played at a neighbor's house for awhile. Went back to her house. Played with Play Doh and played Mancala while her mom went to the store.

Played outside. Lot's of tag. It was great. Two-person tag. She just liked it when I caught her and lifted her up.

She's still big on the whole "I'm her mommy thing." Seems very natural to her.

Cooking on the grill, and my daughter wanted to eat outside. So her mom asked us to wash the table. My daughter decided to help by pouring water on the table so I wouldn't have to keep going in to rinse out the sponge. Then she went and got soap and water and poured that on the table. We ended up with a big soapy mess. Her mom was pretty pissed. I stopped having fun at that point.

We had a nice dinner. I tried coming up with reasons to leave that night. I couldn't get it out.

I helped my daughter get ready for bed. We sat with a book. I tried telling her that I might now sleep over. "You're kidding, right?" I started crying. First time crying in front of her. Was so hard to hold it back, but I pulled myself together. She asked why I cried at my wedding and I said it was because I was so happy.

I think in her little girl wisdom she got why I was so sad because she dug out the lifebook I made for her and read it to me until her mom called her down to say goodbye to her grandmother.

She asked me to come sit in her bed with her so I did for awhile. She wanted to show me a bunch of stuff, but her mom got upset again because she was pulling so much stuff out.

Played on the swings the next morning.

Overall, I got lots of love from her, but it was rough.

Sometimes her mom laughs things off or allows her to do things that I wouldn't expect her to be allowed to do, but other times, things I think are kind of funny are frowned on. I mean I get the whole lesson about asking first, but my daughter was trying to be helpful, not trying to make a mess. A little bit of "I know you were trying to be helpful, but it made a mess, so next time ask me." It's so hard to know what to allow her to do (not like the whole soap and water thing was my idea.) I say no to a lot, then find out it's okay when one of her parents walks in and she asks. Plus, her dad lets her do a lot of stuff her mom doesn't want her to do and I usually am somewhere in the middle because I'm the one helping her with stuff. So I hate it.

I couldn't wait to come home so I left even though my daughter wanted me to watch her at her swim lesson.

I came home to a broken door. My husband locked himself out of the apartment on the deck so he decided to break the door to get back in. Now he's laying in bed ignoring me, probably because he knows I'm pissed.

Great weekend.

The Wedding

2009-03-24T15:41:00.000-04:00

Here.

Wedding

2009-03-21T08:16:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow, my daughter will be the flower girl in my wedding.

Christmas Visit

2009-01-02T17:35:00.001-05:00

My daughter was the most affectionate she's ever been this visit.

We had a yummy dinner (of course), played some games, went to an aquarium today.

She's still obsessed with the two moms thing. I've graduated to another "mommy". I used to be the mom and her adoptive mother was the"mommy".

It wasn't very hard at all to visit. I felt relaxed. I was able to enjoy the unusual affection, and I was able to chit-chat with the adults.

All in all, a good time.

More Visiting Difficulty

2008-12-29T13:31:00.004-05:00

So I was invited to spend Christmas with them this year. My fiance and I wanted to spend it at home so I declined. The problem is that the only other time they offered was during the week with me babysitting during the day.

I just can't do it.

I made arrangements to drive out there today with babysitting tomorrow, but I've been in tears since I woke up. The thought of babysitting is throwing me into anxiety mode.

I called my fiance to come with me instead. It means another day off for him after he took last week to spend with me, but it's either that or make up some excuse about why I can't go. I don't think I'd get through the ride without an anxiety attack. Hopefully they won't be upset about our late arrival tonight.

I wish I knew what to do. I know she needs to see me. She;s in a stage right now where I'm very important. All she wants to talk about when we call is when I'm coming again. Whenever I say I can't come that day she comes up with all these ways for me to do it. I know I can't let her down-that I'm the adult in this, but I'm no good to her if I'm not functioning. There has to be a happy medium.

My fiance and I are planning to move across the country next summer. I used to say I'd never leave because it would take me away from my daughter, but now I can't wait to go so that my visits will be limited.

Edit: Going on Thursday instead so her folks will be there too.

I Don't Enjoy My Visits Anymore

2008-11-28T14:46:00.002-05:00

For some reason, I just don't enjoy visiting anymore. Last time I went, I babysat, and I thought my lack of enjoyment was because of the babysitting (it was rough). I didn't enjoy this visit either. I sobbed myself to sleep and considered driving home in the middle of the night just because I didn't want to stay.

My daughter is still going through the mom thing ("You're my mom and she's my mommy."). We played a game, watched movies and TV, and read one of the books I brought her (I brought two books and two movies cuz I brought nothing for her birthday). I watched her play Wii for a bit. We had a delicious Thanksgiving dinner (that my daughter chose not to join us for).

Everyone fell asleep watching Alvin and the Chipmunks, except me. While they all trotted off to bed, I finished the movie. Maybe it was being the only one up in the house that set me off. I don't know.

This morning was better. The highlight was my daughter jumping into my arms to say goodbye. As usual she wanted me to stay longer, but I just couldn't. She said I only came because I was her birthdaughter. There were a lot of birthdaughter/birthchild references this weekend.

I think part of it is that I have no say. I don't love all the things that they do. I really don't love the fact that her parents show so little affection for each other. I'm jealous of all the little lovey things they share with her. I still feel awkward.

I don't know. I just don't enjoy it anymore.

Visit

2008-09-28T16:43:00.003-04:00

Friday night: Drive in pouring rain. Get there at 8:30ish

Sleep

Saturday: gymnastics (cool), swim (cut short due to crying), McDonald's, flower girl dress trying on and buying (she told the lady she had two moms).

Saturday night: babysitting- pizza party, High School Musical, Wii, and random breaking down in tears, much of it about missing her mom (that was fun), snuggling her to sleep because she wanted me to stay with her.

Sunday: more driving, less rain

Birthday

2008-09-23T16:44:00.001-04:00

For the first time since my daughter was born, I missed her birthday party.

I planned to go, but decided the morning of that I just couldn't cram it in to an already packed weekend.

I felt awful.

I missed the birthday during the year when she's obsessed with me.

My fiance wants to move across the country next summer so this was probably the last birthday party I could attend.

It was rough.

The silver lining is that I'll be going there this weekend and staying from Friday to Sunday.

Today

2008-09-04T16:45:00.002-04:00

It's my daughter's birthday today.

I just got home and realized I hadn't called. Now it's too late to call.

I Have No Words

2008-08-27T16:46:00.002-04:00

Just as I climbed into bed last night, my phone rang.

It was fairly early. I figured it was my stepmom calling about wedding stuff. We have a three hour time difference.

It was my daughter.

They're on vacation in Hawaii right now.

I asked her what she was doing in Hawaii.

"Crying because I'm missing you."

Tough Decision

2008-08-01T16:50:00.001-04:00

I canceled my visit with my daughter this weekend.

It was a very tough decision.

My grandfather is in the hospital in critical care. Right now it's day to day. My sister is flying in tonight from across the country.

I had planned to go anyway because it's not like there is anything I can do about it just by staying home. Plus, my daughter is really focused on me these days and I don't know how she'll take it.

The thing is my daughter's birthmother obsession is part of why I don't want to go. I just don't think I could handle all her current questions and comments with my grandfather on my mind. On the other hand, it's quite possible that a fun day with my daughter would be just what I need.

For me the biggest thing was that I'd hate to be four hours away visiting with them and get a call that my grandfather didn't make it.

I just hope my daughter doesn't react badly.

Edit: My grandfather came home from the hospital on Tuesday, August 12! Yay!

Siblings

2008-07-28T16:51:00.002-04:00

My daughter's birthfather has a son from a previous relationship.

Lately my daughter is asking questions about that and is wanting to meet her brother.

I've had no luck contacting her birthfather in months, but I emailed again asking him to send some recent pictures. He's never been willing to send anything I've asked for, but hopefully for our daughter's sake he will this time.

Her mom said the lifebook I made her has helped a lot.

I just feel so sad for her.

Kindergarten

2008-07-21T16:53:00.002-04:00

My daughter finished kindergarten this year. I can't believe how old she's getting. I don't want her to grow up.

Her last few messages and calls were all about when I was coming. I love that she asks me to visit and tells me she misses me and sends me kisses over the phone.

We're heading there his weekend for hr end of kindergarten party.

I can't wait to see her.

My NYC Visit

2008-07-15T16:52:00.002-04:00

I saw my daughter again this weekend because her parents got me tickets to see Wicked on Broadway.

Most of the time was spent away from her, but I did get some time with her.

Right now she's really testing her boundaries in a disciplinary way and I have to say that my boyfriend and I were overwhelmed.

On another note, one notable comment from her: "You should have paid for [my daycare] because you're my real mom."

She also said she should have a sleepover at my house. Maybe it will happen.

She's really struggling with the real mom thing. I don't feel up to writing more about it, but there is a bunch going on in my head about that.

Anyway, we went to a local farm on Sunday. They were having a special event with lots of activities so it was fun.

We're going back again in two more weeks for the annual trip to the pool. They were hoping we'd have our suits this weekend, but we didn't. I'm glad because our trip to the city was exhausting and we barely got through the visiting on Sunday.

With all these visits, I'm feeling quite spoiled this summer.

My Visit

2008-07-01T16:52:00.002-04:00

Right now my daughter is going through a birthmother obsession.

I get phone calls calling me Miss Birthmother. She tells her mom she can't talk o me because I'm her birthmother.

Pre=party, my daughter explained adoption to me very matter-of-factly using her own story, and told me about her explanation to a friend.

Her mom prepared me before the guests arrived.

I helped get things ready and bring things out.

The first guest arrived. My daughter ran over: "Do you want to meet my birthmother?"

Her mom said my daughter thinks it's cool that she gets to see me.

The party was mildly awkward.

Like her birthday, I got the , "Which kid is yours?" Because my daughter was being open, I had to say "I'm little Poor_Statue's birthmother." The response: "Interesting."

For the water balloon toss, my daughter insisted that I be her partner: "My birthmother is my partner." Most of the time she was focused on her friends, but this was the first event during which she invited me into her play.

At one point, one of the dads asked me what a birthmother was so I told him. He then asked if I'd seen Baby Mama. There was also a brief discussion of Juno after which a different dad said that the only negative was how they made it all seem so easy.

Later the same dad approached me to tell me how well I handled the other dad. He thought it was insensitive and stupid to ask what a birthmother was. We spoke for a bit. He was really nice to me.

I liked all the dads more than the moms, but overall the party was a good one. It didn't wrap up until 11 at night.

During the party, my daughter's mom spoke to me privately. She got all teary eyed as she talked about how much she loves that we are family and how much it means to her and my daughter that I was there that day.

The following day was uneventful. We ate breakfast. We went shopping for a new bike. My daughter told me I had to stay until lunch time. I did. I made the long ride home. This time I was grumpy instead of sad. It lasted all night. I'm not sure why that was the response.

I wonder how long his phase will last.

Open Adoption

2008-06-22T16:55:00.001-04:00

I was talking about adoption at a recent counseling appointment when my counselor shared that she knew a woman who grew up in an open adoption. The woman maintained very close relationships with both her moms, something supported by her adoptive mom even as the woman became somewhat closer to her firstmom. She described the woman who was adopted as well-adjusted and really happy about her situation.

I forget where they all originated, but it was so nice to hear about an adult who grew up in an open adoption and how beautifully it turned out.

In related news, my daughter and her family are currently visiting with my mom in Florida. I love that they make time for that on their yearly trip there.

Mother's Day

2008-05-24T16:54:00.001-04:00

We spent Mother's Day at my boyfriend's parents house with lots of Mother's. Every one of them told me "Happy Mother's Day" as we hugged. It was awesome, They are also starting to be more open about talking about motherhood with me and including my motherhood as much as their own. I feel blessed to have become a part of a family that does that.

Just yesterday we had a long conversation about learning to read and it was nice to share stories about how my daughter was learning to read.

I love open adoption.

On Mom-ness

2008-05-11T16:56:00.001-04:00

A comment from a relative:

"You know I've never thought to send a Mother's Day card to [daughter's mom], isn't that awful? She is the mom now."

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there.

The Tough Stuff

2008-05-08T16:57:00.001-04:00

I talked to my daughter on Sunday. She wasn't very chatty, but it's always nice to get to talk to her.

As she handed the phone off to her mom, she said to her mom: "She's supposed to be my mom."

Ouch. I'm sure that one stung.

In other news, I handmade mother's day cards for my daughter's mom and grandmother this year and they were both thrilled with them.

The Sweetest Phone Call

2008-04-20T16:58:00.002-04:00

I just got off the phone with my daughter.

Aside from the fact that it was a much needed chat, she was so incredibly sweet.

She started in by inviting me to come over (now!) to play games with her.

She told me about some recent happenings that I promised not to share ("I'm not telling anyone, but I'll tell you cuz you're my birthmom").

She decided she wanted me as a teacher and when I explained that I don't live near her, she said she was going to move out here so I could be her teacher.

She told me she wanted to call me first thing in the morning and that I should get up early to do so.

She gave me kisses (lots of them) over the phone and told me she loved me and that she misses me.

It was a great, great, great phone call!

Easter Visit

2008-03-23T16:59:00.001-04:00

I feel like I just ate for 24 hours straight! I'm stuffed, but I made it home in record time.

My sweetie came with me which means that my daughter stayed absolutely glued to him the entire time. We got a few good shots of the three of us, but my desktop is still out of service so I won't be sharing yet.

She wasn't home when we got there. Once she got home, she pretty much played with my beau all night. I don't mind. It's a lot of pressure off of me and I get to enjoy her just as much.

Last night, we had a delicious dinner and birthday cake for me (very sweet as was the drawing I got from my daughter).

Before bed, my daughter tried lifting up my beau's shirt, then lifted up her own.

Him: You shouldn't be showing people that.
Her: But you can show your birthmom cuz you're born naked and you're my birthdad.
Him: I'm not your birthdad.
Her: (turning to me) Who's my birthdad?
Me: His name is *****

This morning, she wanted to know what my beau was to her and later asked if he'd be her family if we got married.

The good news was that that was the most difficult exchange of the weekend. After the last few visits, that's nothing.

I did get some unsolicited cuddling. We went to Easter mass and she snuggled up to me a few times. At one point she laid her head on my lap and I patted her belly and she grabbed my hand to get me to keep patting. It reminded me of my pregnancy (which ended up on my mind a lot this weekend).

Overall, she cuddles up to me more when my beau is around. As for him, she doesn't leave him for a minute. He loves it.

It was a nice visit. A few weird things with her parents, but overall good.

And as a side note, she's reading pretty well and seems to enjoy the new power it gives her. She likes to try to read the things around her, but doesn't make it through many books. I'm guessing that her comprehension isn't yet good enough for her to want to read the books. She's so focused on the words that the meaning is lost. Plus, easy reader books don't have great stories as it is. She's also still saying that she doesn't like the bilingual program though her mom says otherwise. Her accent is terrific though.

Easter, Birthdays, and Phone Calls

2008-03-21T17:00:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow, I'll be heading out to see my daughter.

We've been playing phone tag all week, and although I returned every call, her mom still sounded annoyed when we finally got in touch last night.

It was also the first time she didn't put my daughter on the phone.

And they didn't call me for my birthday this week.

It's making me a bit unsure about the visit.

Luckily, my sweetie is coming so I'll have some moral support.

I'm sure it will be fine. I can't wait to see her.

Update

2008-02-05T21:15:00.000-05:00

First, thank you to everyone who has followed me over to my other blog. I appreciate that you care enough about me to keep up with the more mundane parts of my life.

On the adoption front, I had a wonderful Christmas visit with my daughter. They actually invited me to sleep over and then babysit all day the next day. Although the actual visit didn't work quite like that, I did have a long visit with a lot of alone time with my daughter. They were hoping I'd stay a second night, but changing my plans last minute isn't easy for me, so I declined. I did write a post about it which I saved in my drafts. Once I make sure it doesn't contain anything too personal, I'll publish that here. [Already done: see below.]

On to the real news....

Back in October, I mentioned that I had restarted medication and therapy. While the therapy was and continues to be great, the medication part was another story. If you've ever tried medication, you understand what the process is like. The short version is that from October to January, I tried two different medications through my primary care physician and reacted very, very badly to both. Of course, you're advised to give medications time so basically I was barely functioning during that time.

That turmoil was part of the reason I had to close this blog.

I don't regret it at all. I felt an immediate sense of relief. With two or three exceptions (my visit, Juno, some of the blog drama), I felt no desire to post.

Thanks to a referral from my therapist to a great psychiatrist, I am currently doing much, much better...........but I'm still not going to reopen this blog.

In the spirit of my post on OAS, I will start writing adoption posts on my other blog. I realize that takes away from a blog somewhat- it's better when a blog has a particular focus- but I think the choice will be right for me: it's hard to continue to separate my two lives, I'm not looking to get a bunch of readers anyway, I'll feel less pressure to post a certain amount because I'll have unlimited topics. I don't have any problem reading blogs that have multiple topics, especially if I've grown to like a person or their writing, so I think it'll be fine.

I need to create a post there explaining the change, and I'll still post my last visit here. I still plan to keep writing over at Open Adoption Support. I still plan to keep this blog available. I don't know how often I'll post about adoption over there, but I'll create a tag so that those of you who only want to read about adoption can do so easily.

Right now, I think it's time to merge.

Christmas Visit

2007-12-29T16:43:00.000-05:00

I spent most of the drive there in tears.

I was thrilled that they'd invited me to spend the day alone with her, but I was also terrified.

At the last minute, my beau couldn't come. I was unable to make an appointment with my psychiatrist. I had no gift for her or her parents.

I was a wreck.

I got a huge hug from her when I got there. She showed me all her toys. Her mom showed me what I needed to babysit. They relieved some of my tension by laughing with me a bit about my nerves.

We visited a bit and then it was time for bed.

The next morning, I heard a lot of noise. Turns out, my daughter's mom's boss called her that morning to give her the day off. I did feel a little bit of disappointment, but mostly I was relieved.

Her mom did run some errands throughout the day giving us a few hours at a time alone. My daughter said she missed her mom, but she stayed happy and content.

I also gave my daughter her bath which was probably the most stressful part of the visit.

We played outside a lot: riding her bike and her scooter, playing in mud puddles, bouncing a ball.

We played inside: with the Floam I'd brought her, painting her nails, doing flips and eating her belly, reading, doing a puzzle.

I love playing with her and it's so comfortable.

They wanted me to stay another night, but I couldn't. My daughter did insist I at least stay for dinner so that my drive home would be safer. What it really meant was that I didn't get home until 11:30 at night. I always feel a little guilty declining a longer visit, but I need to do what's healthy.

My moods are no better and seeing my daughter is definitely not helping. I'm very worried about my mental health right now.

Notable conversations:

Lots of asking about my favorites.

Lots of comments about my belly and having babies.

A couple questions about who I was to her and to everyone else in her family.

A request to have a boy and give it to her ("But what if you have two boys?") which was a difficult one to answer without crying.

She also pulled out the "real mom" thing, telling her mom over lunch that she wasn't her real mom, that I was. I thought I would choke on my sandwich. Instead, I told her it wasn't true, that both of us were her real mom (very unusual for me to take over.)
Her: "So I have two moms."
Her mom: "Yes."
Her: "And two dads?"
Her mom: "Yes"
Her: Who's my other dad?"
Me: "His name is R******."
She repeated it and then the conversation was over.

Closing Up Shop

2007-12-13T19:05:00.000-05:00

Dear Internet,

Even though I've been really upset to lose some of my favorite blogs, I'm going to join the many who've stopped blogging.

Like some of them, I may come back, but right now I don't think it's likely.

Blogging is no longer soothing for me. I used to write when I felt like my brain was going to explode. It was a release. I don't remember the last time it felt like that for me.

If I ever have something big I want to say, my plan is to use Dawn's Open Adoption Support site instead.

I don't plan to disappear. I just plan to read and comment rather than trying to keep up my own site.

I'm not planning to block access here or take anything down.

There's still a chance I'll come back. It's already public. I'm proud of what is here.

Everyone out in blogland has been such a huge support for me. I'm so happy about all the people I've found. I like knowing that there is one place I can go to where there are other people like me. So I'll continue to visit you, and I thank you for visiting me.

Sincerely,
Poor_Statue

Edited to Add: First of all, thank you. Second, as of right now I'm keeping my other blog going. Though I don't write about adoption there, you can always head there to see what I'm up to. I've considered merging the two so I would have more to post about, but I'm not sure that I want to do that.

MySpace

2007-12-08T08:01:00.000-05:00

I have a MySpace.

My former fiance convinced me to do it and since then I've been content to have a few friends tucked neatly into my friends list. I've found a few old friends that way, too, so I like it for that. I really don't use it like you're supposed to, but it works for me.

I have pictures of my daughter on my MySpace. Initially, being open on there wasn't an issue. Everyone I added knew the whole story.

I purposely avoided using my real name or my main email account, and for awhile, I refused to put any real pictures on it. I didn't want to be found. I wanted to be selective about who I became friends with on there.

But slowly some other people found me and I started adding them- mostly people who knew about my daughter, but didn't know I placed but a few others as well.

So far it's made for only one awkward exchange with someone who I thought knew the whole story, but who actually didn't even know I had a kid.

Last year, a work friend asked if I had a MySpace. She's one of the few people at work that I've told about my daughter. I explained why I kept it privateand she got it. I actually was going to add her but we never got around to exchanging pages.

Recently, I've started becoming a little closer to a whole group of people at work. I found one of them on MySpace and sent a message, but didn't do a friend request. We've continued to send occasional messages, but so far neither of us have tried to add each other (there's more to the story that makes that make sense, but it's not relevant enough).

I'm sort of hoping it never comes up. If I were to add this person (and I would be willing to), I'd open myself up to friend requests from a whole bunch of work people.

Sure, I'd be willing to let in some, but once I'm on a couple of work people's pages, other people from work would start trying to add me. For most, adding random acquaintances is not a big deal, but there are a few people I'd never want to let in, and that makes me not want to start it all.

Once I add one work friend, how do I turn down anyone else that decides to put in a request?

Who knew it would be so complicated?

Another Conversation

2007-12-03T20:45:00.000-05:00

We were in her bedroom either before or after her shower.

She lifted up my shirt to see my belly.

She made a comment about coming out of my belly button. I have a dark scar on my belly button.

Her: Is that where they cut you open to take me out?

Me: They didn't cut me open.
I say something about her not coming out of my belly.

Her: Well, where did I come out?

Me: Um, I think you should ask your mom about that.

Her: Show me where I came out. I'll give you a dollar.

Me: (laughing) You can't bribe me. You can ask your mom.

Her: How about a penny? How about zero?

I laugh and explain the concept of bribery to her. She increases her offer to $25. I tell her I don't want her money and won't take it.

She asks several more times for me to show her. A part of me feels bad because it clearly is important to her, but there is no way I'm giving a sex ed lesson without talking to her mom.

Eventually she drops it.

Here Comes Santa Claus!

2007-12-02T19:31:00.000-05:00

I'm Christmas shopping tonight. I prefer to do it online. I've been picking out some things for my daughter.

So far, I've ordered the book.

I put a very cool game in my bookmarks to decide on later.

I've been checking out this super cool puzzle, but it's a bit pricey, so maybe another time.

I'm going to make a CD.

All I need to do now is pick out an ornament.

It's That Time Again

2007-12-01T21:29:00.000-05:00

One week from now, my daughter will be here for my annual Christmas party.

She'll also get to meet my favorite relative for the first time.

I can't wait.

More On That Conversation

2007-11-30T21:21:00.000-05:00

Mamagigi asked me some good questions so I thought I'd say more about that conversation.

I didn't really react when it happened. I was more shocked than anything else. The exchange was so quick and so unexpected. I just wanted to be honest with her and find a way to answer that she could wrap her five year-old thoughts around. Later both her grandmother and mother mentioned it to me. I guess they had ended up discussing it. They approached me separately- both commenting about how out of the blue it was and wondering out loud about why she never has questions about her birthfather.

It was the first time her mom had brought up adoption stuff like that with me. Some smaller things have come up, but this time she asked what I thought and how I kept it together.

Regretfully, I didn't say much. I really didn't know how to respond. In my head I was thinking that my new meds were the only thing that kept me from having an immediate breakdown, but for right now, I've chosen not to tell them that I'm back on medication. I was also quite tired and still processing it all. I'm not sure that we'll end up talking about it again.

I felt great for the rest of the visit and the whole ride home. I just had so much fun playing with my daughter and bonding with her one on one. I really do feel so conected to her.

This weekend, once I was home, I completely fell apart. It was awful and scary and lasted about five days.

My therapist believes it was related to the visit. She said that now that my life is better and more stable, it's getting harder to live with my choice. It was interesting because my therapist's assessment matches the research yet she has no experience with adoption counseling. Adoption wasn't why I started seeing her. I wonder if she's been doing her homework since getting me as a patient.

My daughter and I had two more interesting conversations that I'll write about another day. Right now, I need to take care of the rest of my life.

Thanks for all of the support.

Thanksgiving

2007-11-23T20:45:00.000-05:00

I called her before I left. She was incredibly chatty and excited that I was coming and staying over.

It was a beautiful day and the traffic was moving normally.

Despite my late start, I arrived at a decent time. My daughter ran in for a hug immediately.

I chatted with her folks while she and her grandma made me a picture upstairs. She snuck it into my bag until her grandma told her to hand it to me instead.

Soon she asked to go play outside: "Just you and me?" she asked. "Sure," I replied. There was no hesitation. I no longer worry if it's okay. I know that it is.

We went for a long walk around the neighborhood. We inspected leaves and storm drains and bugs. She brought back a huge stick that she planted like a tree in the yard.

We played on the swings.

We played with some ladybugs.

We stayed outside for about two hours.

She insisted on sitting with me for dinner. It was delicious. She was wonderful.

After dinner, we played alone again while everyone else cleaned up. We played Go Fish. She beat me at memory twice in a row. I almost didn't play memory with her because I'm really good at it. She's unbelievable. I was trying to win both times, but she has a mixture of good luck and a perfect memory. She only had to see each card once to know exactly where to find it the second time. I was amazed. The first game, she had eight matches to my four. The second game she had seven to my five and she was barely paying attention (she lasts about one round of each activity before she wants to move on to something else).

This time she chose to sleep in her room so I got the trundle bed. She wanted her daddy to put her to sleep so I went downstairs until he came back down.

I was up and dressed before her the next morning.

She came down happily and we played some more.

During breakfast, the topic of having children came up, which may be a story for later.

We played with magnetix for a bit and she first copied what I made and then instructed me to make a baby out of the magnetix.

I helped her get dressed after her shower which also led to a conversation for another post.

Then we were off to get her Christmas pictures done. We waited forever and she wouldn't smile, but there were a couple of cute ones. Before we left, she was glad to hear that I was going.

We also went to see Santa and had lunch at the mall. By then, she only wanted her mom, but it was fine. She also begged her mom to pick her up at her grandma's house later instead of having her spend the night.

We headed back to her house and shje asked if I'd play outside with her some more. I hadn't planned to stay much longer. We started by playing with the fish cards again. She likes to make up her own games. At one point I lined my cards up in a specific order that she then carefully copied.

Eventually we did go outside.

We had a great time playing on the swings and singing songs. I taught her Raffi's apples and bananas song which she enjoyed and wanted to keep on singing.

Her dad came home and she ran to say hello, but still wanted to stay outside to play, so we did. At one point we were playing on the monkey bars (again, again!) and I saw her dad watching from inside. We were having fun.

We probably spent two hours playing outside.

Eventually we took our cold noses inside and I got ready to leave. I got a big kiss and hug and some treats for the road and then I left.

I felt great on the ride home. Some of the conversations were jarring, but I had a great visit and it really felt like I'd gotten what I needed to keep my head up until the next visit.

Once I was home though I crashed pretty hard. It's been a difficult weekend.

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

2007-11-23T20:17:00.000-05:00

My daughter is five.

I spend Thanksgiving with her every year.

Yesterday afternoon the family started talking about hair. My daughter's hair is dirty blonde. Mine is dark brown. Her grandma asked about my hair and I replied that it was even darker when I was a kid. My mom sent digital copies of all my childhood school pictures to my daughter's mom shortly after my daughter was born. They are at the beginning of my daughter's baby album. So her mom decided that we could just take a look at those pictures to see what color my hair was back then.

We looked at those pictures and then my daughter started going through the album: the sonogram picture, me pregnant- she studied them all.

Then she came to a picture of all of us outside the hospital the day we left. I couldn't see the picture from where I was sitting, but I could make out that it was there.

Her: (to me) Were you crying in this picture?
Me: Probably.
Her: How come?
Me: Because it was sad to say goodbye to you.
Her: Then why did you give it to mommy? [those were her exact words]
Me: Because I couldn't take care of you.
Her: Yes you could.
Me: Well I didn't think I could.

My five-year old doesn't think her adoption was necessary.

Twiddling my Thumbs

2007-11-10T17:33:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to call my daughter all week, but nobody's answering. I haven't talked to them since I moved.

I'm really missing her.

Checking In

2007-11-03T20:32:00.000-04:00

I should have signed up for blog writing month so that I'd actually post.

We're in.

I got an email from my daughter. Her mom was teaching her how to use it. It made my day. It's been a difficult week. Too much going on plus the meds I started did the opposite of what they were supposed to do. I'm off them now, but I've had horrible withdrawal.

Moving

2007-10-25T07:04:00.000-04:00

We're moving today.

That's why I haven't been around.

I hate moving.

An update

2007-10-16T20:06:00.000-04:00

After a decent posting run, I've been absent again.

My beau and I are moving into a beautiful new apartment next week so I probably still won't be posting much.

My current class is an enormous amount of work so that will also be keeping me busy.

I'm feeling a bit more normal. I really liked my new counselor, and the excitement about moving is definitely improving my mood.

In the meantime, Redbook has a really respectful article about adoption in their November issue. It actually lists openness as a benefit in domestic adoption. I know that I was pretty impressed when I read it.

My Little One

2007-10-09T20:06:00.001-04:00

I just wanted to say that I chatted with my daughter last night.

September was rough, and October offered no relief.

I'm back on meds and will be starting therapy this week.

In the meantime, I hadn't called. I kept wanting to, but mostly I was just pushing it away.

They called yesterday. I did make sure to apologize to her mom for not being in touch and to thank her for calling.

My daughter was pretty chatty- mostly about school. It doesn't sound like she still loves it, but it was fun to hear her stories. She sounds so grown up.

These days, she is full of stories that I find hard to follow and everything has to be exact. She still tries to show me things on the phone. I love the way she wants me to see and hear everything.

Her dad is going away on his yearly trip, so my daughter said that I would need to watch her.

I wish.

In completely unrelated news, my beau and I are moving in a couple of weeks. We fell in love with a place this weekend and found out today that it's ours. Yippee!

Doctors and Pregnancy News

2007-10-01T06:49:00.002-04:00

I'm about a third of the way through How Doctors Think, and it's made me reflect a lot on my experiences with doctors.

I hate going to the doctor. Part of it is because we were raised to plow through illnesses, but a lot of it is because I never feel like they take me seriously.

Because of this, I spent most of my early twenties without a regular doctor. Rather than getting regular exams, I'd go into the local walk-in whenever I thought I was sick.

I've written about the walk-in doctor before. He was awesome. During the entire first chapter of the book, I thought of him and how good he was. In a city walk-in, you wouldn't expect the doctors to have a great bedside manner. They are busy and I imagine they handle a whole spectrum of complaints from the why-are-you-here to the get-to-the-emergency-room.

I went in for a mixture of complaints. Sometimes, he couldn't find anything wrong. Other times, he asked why I'd waited so long. He always treated me with kindness. He always took me seriously.

I got pregnant during this period of my life.

I waited until a Friday to go to the walk-in. I knew in my gut that I was pregnant and I didn't want to have to go to work the next day.

I saw that same doctor and he gave me the news. I've already written about that experience.

So what did I do when I left?

I went back to my apartment and called an on-again, off-again friend.

I cried a lot.

Then I put on the smallest jeans I owned, topped it off with a nice shirt, and headed out to karaoke at a place I'd never been to.

For that night, I pretended it wasn't happening to me. Sure, it was in my mind the whole time, but I listened to my friends drama and flirted with guys as if it were just another night.

My last night of being a normal girl in her twenties.

Same Sentiment, Two Presentations

2007-09-22T12:40:00.000-04:00

I was beyond thrilled about the picture my daughter's mom shared with me. It was pretty much the only thing I shared about my visit with those in my life who know. That along with my daughter's trying on of my title brought up the issue of how her parents approach adoption talk.

One friend made a comment along the lines of how lucky I was or how grateful I should be that her parents are teaching her to value me.

Another friend responded with "I wonder who's feeding her the language. Clearly, someone is teaching her."

Both friends were drawing attention to the fact that her parents must be influencing my daughter's perception of my role in her life, but one did it neutrally while the other did it with a clear intention of letting me know I needed to be thankful to my daughter's parents.

I doubt many of you will be surprised to learn that one of those friend's made me smile and one left me feeling angry.

I am grateful to my daughter's parents. This was in fact one of the overwhelming feelings I left with. It was such a magical weekend, and I continue to be overjoyed at the many ways her parents acknowledge my importance. I know that there is little support for what they are doing. I imagine it is sometimes difficult for them. They are wonderful people.

I absolutely don't need a friend of mine responding to my happy news by reminding me to be grateful to my daughter's parents.

I just don't.

Trust me, I get the message enough.

Recently, I was out to dinner with my beau when he wondered aloud why society puts adoptive parents on a pedestal while simultaneously looking down on birthparents. He was really upset about what he saw as a major injustice.

I asked him if this was something he noticed because he knew me and he replied that it was obvious, knowing me or not.

He's right.

My friend's comment did nothing except make me feel like I got taken down a notch- put in my place as the lowly birthmother who should be kneeling at the feet of my child's parents, ever grateful that they were willing to take on my burden and still allow me to be a part of her life. The message I got was that I was too happy- too selfish, even- and that I needed reminding that it was her parents that made it happen.

My former fiance used to do the same. No matter what I shared, he always felt the need to remind me that I wasn't her parent, that her "real" parents were awfully nice to keep me around, that perhaps I needed to let go a bit and move on, etc.

This is what I mean when I say that most of the world doesn't understand open adoption. This is the kind of stuff that makes me stop in my tracks before sharing anything about my adoption. This is the kind of stuff that makes me want to push that part of my life aside, to walk away so that her parents won't have to do any more "favors" for me.

At first I excused my friend's remarks because she is a parent. Although it still stung, I figured she related to them more because she is raising a child. But my other friend is a parent, too, and he didn't offend me.

Not Posting

2007-09-18T21:18:00.000-04:00

I'm in rough shape. I guess the September low has hit. I'm having a very hard time.

My Dog Has Fleas

2007-09-10T20:03:00.000-04:00

I gave my daughter a musical instrument for her birthday.

Monday night they called so she could sing to me.

She won't stop playing. She's making up all kinds of songs.

I apologized for getting it for her, but mostly we laughed while I enjoyed the sweet phone call.

I love my daughter. I love her family.

This Is My Family

2007-09-09T20:43:00.000-04:00

My daughter's mom showed me a stapled booklet of work my daughter's preschool sent home from last year. This was part of it. Our real names appeared where I replaced them with our blog names. Daddy, Mom, Her, and Me, followed by a bunch of pets.

Does it get any better than that?

Conversations

2007-09-09T20:22:00.000-04:00

The Birthday Party:

I've gone to my daughter's kids party every year. The first time I was worried that someone would ask me who I was. I no longer worry. My daughter's grandmother and single godmother go too so the three of us stick together and it's usually fine. A couple of the close family parents know who I am and they're usually very nice.

At yesterday's party:

One of the moms: So which one's yours?

Me: Uh, none of them.

Her: Lucky you. (pause) You want one?

I give a polite chuckle. My daughter's godmother walks away. Eventually so does this mom. I kick myself for not simply saying that I'm a relative of the birthday girl. Way to kill a conversation. As an aside, my daughter's mom encouraged me to move in closer to get a picture of my daughter blowing out her candles. I took about five shots- all blurry from my shaking hands- and then took off for a bit to calm my emotions.

Opening Presents:

My daughter: (excitedly) Jesse got me a tamagotchi!

Her mom: That's an awfully big tamagotchi!

We all lean in to see it. It's an Etch-A-Sketch.

Getting Ready for Bed:

She is on her bed while getting dressed. She lifts up my shirt and checks out my belly button. Then she puts her hand on my breast.

Her: I like these.

Me: Someday you'll have them.

In the Morning:

As we play:

Her: I'm part of your family. And you're part of my family. (repeated several times)

At the farm:

My daughter and I spent awhile with a man and his granddaughter playing with a sharpening wheel in the blacksmith shop. The little girl noted that the metal got hot after sharpening so my daughter wanted to do it until she got the metal hot. Her mom came in and started playing with us.

My daughter: (running over to the grandpa) It's hot! My mommy made it! (The man says some appreciative comments and turns away. My daughter touches her mom's belly.) This is my mommy. (She then touches me) And this is my birthmom.

After the farm:

My daughter and I are putting the puzzle together. She's chatting up a storm. We're talking about ice cream.

Her: What's your favorite ice cream?

Me: Mint chocolate chip.

Her: (continuing her story) And when birthmom eats it, it tastes like mint chocolate chip.

This weekend she was definitely trying the word out. I haven't heard her use it since she first learned who I was.

My Baby Is Five

2007-09-09T19:55:00.000-04:00

I'm home.

I had a rough time on the way there and some moments throughout the weekend, but all in all, it was a really wonderful visit.

My daughter ran right to me though I didn't get a hug (neither did her grandma). She showed me lots of things and then I was hers for the weekend. Other than a couple of hours at her party, she wanted me with her every second.

We opened presents, and played with presents (she loved what I gave her), and had pizza, and played some more. During dinner, she crawled under the table and started playing with my legs. I wrapped them around her and she laid her head against them and every time I tried to let her go, she pulled my legs back around her. Soon after I got her ready for bed. We slept together in her playroom and watched a movie as we settled in for the night. She sits up every hour during the night and changes position. She spent part of the night with her head on my belly and the rest with one hand on me. It was sweet. During the middle of the night as I woke up to her again, I thought to myself that lots of women out there would give a limb to have a night like that with their kid and yet it was hard for me. It was very emotional to be lying there with her in a home and bed that isn't mine.

We put the movie back on this morning. Then we dressed and played and had breakfast. She can do the whole monkey bars now, the one-handed swinging way. She's incredibly strong and seems to get great pleasure out of very active things. I played with her all morning. It was so comfortable. We made flowers and played horses. The day before she was less willing to have me helping her, but today she wanted me to help her and play with her. It was great fun.

Mid-afternoon, her mom took us to a local farm. It was a great time. Her mom had to take care of some work calls while we were there so we went back and forth from two to three throughout the day. Again it was very comfortable. My daughter loves to watch things, especially other people. We followed a lot of folks around during our time there. We played in the blacksmith shop and saw the animals and she helped bake cookies in the farm kitchen and the three of us played on a tractor and watched a cow get milked.

Then we drove back home and it was time for me to go. I had already stayed much longer than planned. We did a puzzle together (that my folks sent her). The day before, she wouldn't let me do it with her, but this time she asked me to and when it was done and I started to leave she dumped it out to try to get me to stay again. She laid on my shoulder as I hugged her goodbye and this time seemed quite content to stay in my arms and let me kiss her.

I felt good when I left. I had a good time with her and her family. I'm so glad I am a part of her life.

Stop Growing Up!

2007-09-08T08:45:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, the sadness hit. I'm really not loving the getting older thing. I haven't updated the pictures of my daughter since last Christmas. I want her to stay young.

I left her a message on her birthday. I thought they were still on vacation.

She called Thursday night.

She started school this past Wednesday.

She loves it.

She told me about her teacher and how she can't pronounce the teacher's name. She told me that Thursday was her first full day and that she can't do the Spanish (she's in a bilingual program) and that they weren't allowed to play on the playground because they didn't know how to use the equipment. "But I do know how to use the equipment!...." She told me that her teacher took her home for the first time (they've hired one of the daycare folks to take my daughter home from school and give her her bath and stuff until they get home).

She told me a little of what she did on her birthday including a fall into some mulch- a piece of the story she insisted I tell my beau immediately ("If you want to tell him now, I'll wait for you. Go tell him now...")

She said that fifty people are going to her birthday party this weekend (there are a lot, but probably more like half that). She asked when I'd be taking a plane to get there. When I informed her that I didn't need to take a plane, she wanted to know how far away I lived.

It was nice to talk to her, but I was left feeling disappointed that I had missed talking to her on her birthday or her first day of school. It's the school part that's hard.

Last night, my beau and I went out to dinner and then shopping for a birthday gift. I'm finding it harder to pick gifts for her and sadly the stores all closed before I got the two things I really wanted. I was feeling cranky and sad during dinner, enough to step out in the middle for a cigarette so that I wouldn't start sobbing over my steak and cauliflower.

I'll be leaving in a couple of hours for her house to attend the party and spend the night. I'm going alone this time. Right now I'm channeling some unawkwardness to get me through the weekend.

Happy Birthday, Little Poor_Statue!

2007-09-04T19:52:00.000-04:00

Dear Little Poor_Statue,

We didn't get to talk today, but I've been thinking about you. I can't believe you are already five! You start school soon- for the first time. I hope you love it as much as you love preschool.

I miss you.

The other night I drove by my old apartment, the one I lived in when I was pregnant with you. I imagined taking you to see it when you are older- running into the eldery ladies across the street who offered to babysit, not knowing I had come home from the hospital empty-handed.

I wish you were here with me now. Instead, I had some ice cream in honor of your special day- trying to be patient for the weekend when I will see you again.

You are amazing. You are so smart and friendly and daring and beautiful. I hope you always take pride in your strengths and find the good in everything life hands you.

See you soon, little one.

I hope you had a good day.

Love,
Poor_Statue

Happy Birthday, Mom!

2007-09-02T13:16:00.000-04:00

Today is my mom's birthday.

Five years ago, I took my mom to meet my sister halfway between our cities so we could try to make the day a good one for her.

I was nine months pregnant-due in about two weeks.

On that day, I was a bit worried that I'd end up going into labor far from home (I ended up going into labor the next evening).

My mom was visiting on what would be her last annual trip back to my homestate (she lives far, far away now) and had extended her stay so she could be there for her granddaughter's birth.

She brought me a carseat just in case and then after everything was over, she visited me daily and did everything she could to help me feel better. We visited relatives and went out for dinner, and I heard birth stories.

She wasn't happy about my choice and I'm sure that those weeks were both difficult and awkward for her, but she put all of her disappointment aside to try to give me what I needed.

I'm really grateful that she was able to be here . I love the pictures I have of her holding my daughter in the hospital. I appreciate that in these past five years, she has always been the one person to acknowledge my loss on Mother's Day and my daughter's birthday. She gets it.

So even though my relationship with her is mostly distant and impersonal, I just wanted to say that I appreciate her and that I'm thinking of her today.

Happy Birthday, Mom.

Awkwardness

2007-08-28T20:18:00.000-04:00

When I wrote about my last visit, I mentioned that my daughter was dismissive of me when I first got there. Some wondered if I had any thoughts about why. Dawn wondered how she should handle it when her daughter does the same thing.

I have to confess that I think the main reason she is sometimes awkward with me is because I'm awkward. I'm a bit socially awkward in general. I'm probably a little bit extra awkward when I see her because I'm still carrying a little of that -what right do you have to her/ what is this relationship supposed to be. If she were a niece or child of a family friend, I'd probably do what her grandmother does: walk in the door, open my arms, call her name, and pull her in for a hug.

I usually do go in for a hug when I get there-often picking her up to do so- but I usually do it more awkwardly than enthusiastically. Often she's waiting for me at the door excitedly which erases some of the awkwardness, but even then she's not always quick to hug me hello. She's usually quick to show me things-whether they're toys or tricks she can do. This last time, she didn't even do that.

It had been awhile since I saw her last and I had my beau with me. She's getting older. All of these things could have led to that change. My recent conversation with her has left me wondering if my infrequent communication is starting to take its toll on our relationship. Her mom has asked me to call more often, but I'm not so good at it (it runs in the family).

I don't know what's going through her mind, but I'm guessing my own awkwardness is the main factor.

As far as what I'd like her mom to do, I liked exactly what she did. She tried to get my daughter to give me a hug, but dropped it when I said it was okay. I'm glad she said something to my daughter because it made me feel like her mom thought I was important and sent that message to my daughter. I think it would stink if her mom ignored it, but I also wouldn't want her to force it. So the "C'mon, say hello" was appreciated, but beyond that was unnecessary.

Now that I've rambled on and on, I think I answered the question. I'll be going to see her again in a couple weeks so I'll see how that goes.

And I'll try to work on my awkwardness.

My Movie

2007-08-26T20:48:00.000-04:00

My last class was on multicultural education. It was far more interesting than I thought it would be and has inspired me to try to teach math in a more culturally relevant way.

Our professor (and other experts) feel that you can't provide a multicultural education until you have confronted and acknowledged your own culture. Because of this, one of our major projects was to prepare and present our own cultural stories.

For any of you out there who are like me and the rest of my class, scratching your heads and wondering whether or not you have a story or assuming it doesn't play a role in your life, you are wrong.

We had a list of areas to choose from including, but not limited to: class, race, language, gender, and sexual orientation. We had to cover five areas and describe the things that were immediately apparent, the behaviors and traditions we had because of our chosen topics, and the values we hold that are attributed to these areas.

I immediately decided that I would make a movie. I've never made a movie before but a mixture of a movie a student made, Claud's movies, and the little movies on Oprah, made me decide that I would make a movie.

Initially, I thought I'd have someone interview me and maybe get some clips from the relatives or old home movies and mix them in to tell my story. It didn't work out that way. I bought some movie making software and the time I spent learning how to use it really limited my choices. Plus, I managed to pick the week when no one in my family was available to ask for help so I was on my own for footage. I ended up with one video clip and a bunch of old pictures.

I made a few outlines and started recording my story. In between, I read parts of the required text. We had to read a two-parter that had real stories mixed in with student poetry. I haven't written much poetry since high school, but I started to think that maybe it would be cool. When I realized that my spoken narratives were going to put me way over the time limit, I decided to try telling the story in free verse. The fact that it was midnight also helped. I spent the next hour or so writing poem-like prose for my chosen categories and then left them overnight.

The next day I recorded them and started to rearrange the pictures to match. The good news is that I was doing this in the privacy of my own home. The writing was a bit embarrassing. A critic would likely tell me I was trying too hard to make an impact. I was just glad I didn't have to speak them aloud. At my beau's urging, I made one of the sections more uplifting (though he still finds the final product depressing).

Eventually, I ran out of time to tweak the final product and went on my way. The morning when I was to present was really stressful. My classmates gave amazing presentations. I fidgeted in my seat- my face already red from embarrassment. When it was time, I popped in my movie. A few people cried. Most were speechless. I was relieved that few people asked questions. The responses were positive.

The next day, our professor handed out grades. Mine was an A+. I was pleased, but didn't think much of it. At the end of that day-our last day together- the professor approached me privately. She said she'd given only one other grade that high in her entire career. I was thinking wow. She went on to give me lots of compliments, but one of the things she said stuck with me.

She said the story I told was universal.

She said that everyone else succeeded in telling their own personal story but that my creation told everyone's story. She wanted the movie to be seen, but we couldn't decide in what context it would be appropriate.

And then I had a thought: If my movie came off as universal, perhaps it could be used to break down some of the stigma surrounding birthmothers.

I still have not confessed my connection to adoption to any classmates or professors. I included pictures of my daughter in my movie, but amazingly, no one questioned it. When people assume you are childless, they will ignore any evidence suggesting otherwise. I wanted to share. I was again disappointed that there was no mention of adoption in this class. Having a class on multicultural education and examining my own culture really put my connection to adoption front and center in my mind. I feel that placing my daughter and having to accept that her childhood will be so different from mine is what made my story cut a little deeper.

When I got home, I wrote two more sections for the movie- confessing my birthmother status and talking about how the loss of my daughter plays into my story. I haven't added them in yet though it will be fairly simple to do (though time consuming). I plan to send a finished copy to my professor with permission to use it professionally, but I also wonder if there is a place for it in adoption land.

I picture showing it out of context. A story of a life. Something that will hopefully resonate with people. Then the final chapters come and people are forced to confront their prejudices and stereotypes and hopefully realize that we are just like everyone else.

It does mean risking exposure. I also am not sure what the rules are for using pictures of other people. I don't plan to try to use it for profit- actually I'd prefer to limit the distribution to those who I trust would not copy it, give it away, or use it in any way I don't agree to- not because I feel that attached to it- more because I don't really want a slide show of my life broadcast on the Internet.

Thoughts?

Adoption in Dear Prudence

2007-08-25T11:31:00.000-04:00

Good news: Prudence reports that more openess is better for everyone. It's about time an advice columnist consulted an expert to answer an adoption question.

Random Silliness

2007-08-22T21:11:00.001-04:00

My blog is worth $15,242.58.
How much is your blog worth?

She Didn't Sound Good

2007-08-20T17:33:00.000-04:00

I called my daughter last night because it's been awhile since we talked.

She was really chatty, telling me all about what she's been doing and about what she's going to do.

But she sounded down. It started with her complaining about her mom calling her an artist because as she said "I'm not a good drawer. Not everyone thinks I'm good, so I shouldn't be called an artist." Then she made some comments about not wanting to do anything except stay home for the rest of her life. Then she went on to complain about not having fun.

Some of it is kid talk and grumpiness, but her whole tone was just weird. It made me want to crawl through the phone to hold her and talk her through whatever was making her heart so heavy.

It brought up a lot of thoughts for me.

I talked to her mom after which was nice. There are some things that are bothering me a bit, but I'm not sure I want to post about it just yet.

Her birthday is coming up so I'll be seeing her soon.

I really wish I could see her more.

Pushing

2007-08-12T14:38:00.000-04:00

I've realized that over the past six months or so, I've been avoiding thinking about my daughter. Yes, she's always there- in the pictures around my house and in my purse, in any talk of pregnancy or children, and mention of family or her home state. I've just tried not to dwell on it.

I don't talk to them or her that much and when I think about that or the fact that the visits have slightly slowed, it isn't devastating.

I think a part of it is that my life is so good right now and dwelling on the fact that she's not with me dulls that.

I'm definitely feeling that she would have been fine with me- how good it would be to raise her, to tuck her in at night, to laugh and dance and sing with her.

She's a strong little girl- full of spunk and intelligence- fearless and personable. I imagine she would have turned out mostly the same with me. I imagine lifting her up in the air with none of the reserve I have when I see her now.

Jenna recently wondered if anyone else thought it was harder after the first year. I do. I may not be kept up at night anymore by aching empty arms, but every day that passes brings up new ways that my life has changed and new decisions about how to handle that part of my identity. Every day it becomes harder to remember the young girl that thought she could go on after placing and to accept that five years later, I'm only starting to pick my life back up.

I don't really want to think about the fact that she is getting older or that I am, too. I don't want to linger on all the baby and toddler moments I've missed or all the school-age ones I will soon miss. I don't want to be reminded of her absence- the child who should be beside me.

It seems I know too many people with children her age. They are all starting kindergarten. It's such a big transition. I hate sitting in silence, unable to share the few details I know about this moment in my own daughter's life.

And so I haven't been thinking about it much.

There is such an emptiness where she should be and it feels like it grows bigger each year as our lives take turns that would not have been possible without that one decision five years ago. Much of it is positive, yes, but it is always blanketed by loss.

Just Checking In

2007-08-02T12:58:00.000-04:00

I'm going away for a week.

I've been meaning to post all week, but the words just aren't coming.

In my mental files:

1. Answering Dawn's question about my daughter's awkwardness.

2. Answering the long ago request to elaborate on why I chose adoption.

3. Talking about the movie I made for my last class.

4. Possibly tackling Jenna's recent questions.

5. Discussing some recent magazine articles I read.

While I'm away, feel free to use this post to offer some other questions or suggestions for things I could write about.

My Thoughts On The Primetime Special

2007-07-28T11:03:00.000-04:00

I've been watching The Primetime Family Secrets series for a few weeks now. I should have guessed they'd eventually cover adoption, but I did not and so was a bit surprised when it began. Against my better judgement, I watched rather than deleting it from my TiVo.

For starters, I have to address how wrong it is to stick cameras in these places. The adults may have agreed, but the children had no choice. This kind of thing should not be televised. I think they could have been as effective (or even more) by interviewing people after the fact with personal photos and video to supplement. Speaking just for the women like me, having cameras there is itself coercion and the intrusiveness on these ladies overwhelming feelings was clear.

There were lots of negatives about this program. It reinforced some birthmother stereotypes. The language was atrocious and sugar-coated (um, describing the maternity home as similar to a sorority house!?!). The Gladney folks made me want to vomit. The folks who made the show tried too hard to make sure that no one from the birthfamilies felt regret.

I spent most of the show cringing at the language and coercion and screaming at the girls not to do it.

But.......

I can't help but think of some of the ways that this program helped:

1. It was one of the few times I've seen the decision painted in such a difficult and emotional light. The show tried to avoid it or gloss over it, but the emotional devastation came through loud and clear. I mean, watching Brookeanne's dad breakdown at the agency and the other girl's mom's later denial was just powerful. There was no question that these two teens and their families loved their children.

2. The coercion came through loud and clear, too. I'm not sure that the general population would immediately label it as coercion, but many women now have video proof of the tactics used. I could picture women sitting down with those who deny the coercion and using this show to point it all out. And just think, this was what they allowed on TV!

3. The show itself made a strong case against adoption. The whole process came off as incredibly unnatural. Personally, it hit me really hard- particularly the hospital scenes. I considered my hospital experience to be very positive, but watching someone else go through with what I did made it seem so horrible. You're watching these brand new moms hand trheir babies to strangers and take all these pictures with these so-called better parents and it's so clear that they are dying inside. Such a sacred moment was destroyed. All their reasons for placing fell flat, especially as we heard both sets of parents/grandparents say they would support their children no matter what. I couldn't find any good reason for these two girls to place, especially seeing all the devastation and heartache it caused them and their families. The placement room scenes were also tough. As the older of the two teens walked out of the room, she kept stopping and looking back as if every cell in her body was telling her it wasn't right.

4. The show made a case for open adoption. Although it reinforced some myths about open adoption, was there anyone out there who watched the follow-up interviews and thought, "Thank God these birthfamilies don't get to see those kids!"? Particularly when you looked at the adoptive family that was open about it (Personally, I didn't expect them to be so progressive about openness- they struck me as the type that would say anything for a baby- I'm glad I was wrong.), it was hard to justify the lack of contact and information sharing. These weren't scary birthfamilies, these were people that loved their children and grandchildren and just wanted to see them grow.

5. Cynthia McFadden was great. Yes, many of her questions were stereotypical and myth-based, but it was clear she was emotionally invested and actually curious about the answers. I think she asked a lot of the same questions the general public would and even though I didn't like all the answers, I'm glad she did. I also thought her comment about birthfathers was very truthful and enlightening. It appeared that she disagreed with the laws that deny birthfathers their rights.

Overall, it was horrible, I agree. It was incredibly offensive to most of the adoption community. It tried hard to reinforce the whole idea of adoptees being a gift and the idea that adoption is about getting a better life. Still, I don't think they realized all the other stuff that came through. I really wonder what effect it had on the general population.

Gladney on Primetime

2007-07-25T17:19:00.000-04:00

ABC's Primetime is running a limited series called Family Secrets. I suppose it was inevitable that they would cover adoption.

They went behind the scenes at a Gladney run maternity home in Texas following two teens as they placed and then following up with the teens three years later.

Before I share my thoughts, did anyone else see it?

My Visit

2007-07-24T17:54:00.000-04:00

I think this may be the longest I've waited before posting about a visit. Life was very busy when I got home. I'll try to remember everything.

They had some Saturday commitments so my beau and I didn't arrive until close to dinnertime. The weather was beautiful so everyone was in the backyard. My daughter was a little dismissive of me at first, but it was fine.

We sat at the table in the backyard catching up over drinks. As usual, my daughter was mostly interested in playing with my beau. He spent a good deal of the night pushing her on the swings and being silly with her. This works for me because I get all the joy of connecting with her with none of the anxiety.

I played on the swings, too, and it was fun. My daughter still copies me a lot.

We had a nice meal outside (my daughter insisted that she sit next to my beau), played some more, and then went in to get ready for bed.

When we got inside, she excitedly gave me a bead necklace she had made for me. It was wonderful.

She wanted us to sleep in her room again, but settled for a few minutes of movie watching with us (Dora, of course, and she hopped into my lap) and then doing her bedtime routine with me. It was very comfortable. I'm feeling more comfortable with her and her family, and having my beau there helps a lot.

She showed me things and picked out animals and then I snuggled into her bed with her to read for a bit. A little ways in, her dad came in to take over, but it was good.

She was excited the next day, too. We had breakfast, played some more, and headed out for a morning at the pool. Nothing really stood out at the pool this time. Usually those are my favorite visits. It was very relaxing, but not particularly as full of quality moments as usual.

Two things did strike me though. One was looking around at the other kids and realizing what a strong little girl my daughter is. There is nothing dainty about her. The second was when I finished my shower and found her sitting on the bench waiting for her mom to finish hers. She immediately asked me if I'd help her get dressed. Once we let her mom know, I took her to get dressed (and comb her hair with my comb at her insistence) and then we headed to the playground for a few minutes. It really struck me how quickly she asked for my help- no hesitation, no awkwardness- I am another caregiver in her eyes.

We then went to spend the rest of the day at an amusement park. My daughter loves the wildest rides. I didn't actually go on much with her, but it was fun.

And last, the dinner I already wrote about.

Her folks said she was really well behaved this visit. I enjoyed the time.

Because we stayed so much later on Sunday it was a very late night with work for both of us the next day, but it was worth it.

I'm not sure if I'll end up with another summer visit this year, but I do have her birthday party to look forward to in September.

Encounters

2007-07-16T12:49:00.000-04:00

To the woman at the Coyote Mexican Place:

My daughter and I stepped out of the restaurant.

I asked for my daughter's hand.

She went straight for the bench and we sat.

You were on another, newer bench that rocked. You offered to switch, but I declined.

My daughter began chatting you up.

You leaned in close to talk to her.

"Would you like to sit on this bench with your mom?"

I waited for her to correct you, but she just watched you and nodded.

We switched places and I swear I saw tears in your eyes.

My daughter examined the rocking mechanism, excitedly exclaiming that she knew how it worked.

A car pulled up with two women inside: your friends. They commented on your new haircut. You still seemed off somehow as if our brief exchange had rattled you.

My beau started walking toward us and my daughter got up to greet him.

We went back inside to get the rest of the family.

As we walked to our cars, you were walking in with your friends. I looked at you- trying to place your face- wondering if I know you somehow from these blogs.

There was still something in the air-something bigger than just a kind gesture.

You tried to avoid my eye. We both walked away.

Today, I'm feeling off.

Anxiety, Perhaps?

2007-07-14T08:29:00.000-04:00

Last night, I dreamed I had a baby.

The details were reminiscent of the BSE. I hid her. I was alone. There were paperwork issues.

It was a weird dream.

I named the baby Aila, a name I don't recall hearing until my dream though I discovered is an alternate spelling of the main character in Clan of the Cave Bear.

I woke up really early, fresh from my baby dream.

I must be anxious about the visit.

Upcoming Visit

2007-07-12T19:54:00.001-04:00

I'm visiting my daughter this weekend.

I talked to her earlier this week. She told me lots of stories.

She asked if I had been to the pool, I told her that we don't have a town pool. "Well, you could go to the beach then." she responded. Too cute.

It's been awhile.

I can't wait to see her.

Dear B

2007-07-05T19:57:00.000-04:00

Dear B,

You knew me way back when. You know my family. You know quite a bit about me.

I see you every so often. We usually exchange minor pleasantries and go back to our business.

This time, I found myself with you for a bit longer.

I talked about my daughter. You knew about her already and about my choice. You've always asked about her.

The conversation was longer this time. You were wonderful.

It's been my experience that people who know nothing about adoption going in understand it the best when it hits them in the face. A couple times you caught yourself saying some typical adoption remark and I could see it sinking in that it didn't really make sense.

You didn't coddle me. You didn't put me on a pedestal or in a sewer. You listened. You asked questions. You said all the right things without ever making the conversation seem weird.

I just want to thank you for that. It was wonderful.

Much love,
Poor_Statue

What's In A Name?

2007-06-26T16:54:00.000-04:00

This was how we began my latest class: by giving the story of our name.

It was the first time in a long time that I've been so anxious to speak in front of my peers.

It was a reflective weekend. The class is on multicultural education and it's far more interesting than I expected it to be. I truly enjoyed every minute of it.

Still, I couldn't stop thinking about adoption. Maybe it was thinking about all the posts about hair I've read on adoptive parents blog, or the many tales of Korean adoptees I've read on different blogs. Maybe it was because my daughter's cultural identity is so interesting. Maybe it was because in exploring my own cultural identity, I also had to think about the fact that it will play a small role in my daughter's life.

Mostly, I thought about how difficult this class would be for an adoptee in a closed adoption. That took up a large chunk of my thoughts throughout the weekend.

I think the name activity would be difficult for any adoptee. It's such a loaded and emotional issue. All of it hit home though.

So I invite you: what's the story of your name?

Is it a difficult question for you to answer?

Giving Birth

2007-06-19T16:28:00.000-04:00

I was visiting Christine's blog when I read this post. For any non-clickers, it's about a study showing the safety of home births.

During my pregnancy, I attended childbirth classes at my city hospital. There I learned all about the birthing bed and the horror of pushing when the doctor tells you to push. I didn't love the hospital or their birthing approach.

Toward the end of my pregnancy, I found myself looking for a new hospital for totally unrelated reasons. My only concern was how they handled adoption.

I called hospital after hospital in my chosen state until I found one that seemed like they would treat me and my daughter's parents like people.

I had time for one appointment there before giving birth.

The appointment alone was amazing. The hospital had a very natural approach to childbirth. I would be attended by a midwife (a doctor was on call if needed) and they provided a doula free of charge. They did not do epidurals at all and made every effort to avoid pain medication completely. The birthing rooms were large and equipped with one of those big balls, a big tub (I chose a waterbirth at their suggestion), etc. Nobody pressured you to do anything. I made the whole plan. I controlled the whole experience. At no point was I going to be confined to a bed or ordered to push. Their idea was that my body knew best and that I should listen to it.

When I did go into labor (a bit early), I headed over and was treated well. It seemed that there were a million people there helping me- making sure I was comfortable, getting me anything I needed, wiping my brow, helping me change positions until I could find something comfortable, keeping me covered as I moved in and out of the water.

When I finally felt ready to push, no one told me to push until the baby was born. Instead I was encouraged to take my time, to catch my breath, to rest if I wanted to rest. And I did rest.

My body told me when to push and when my daughter was ready, she came.

She was perfectly healthy and so was I. I didn't even need stitches.

It was such a positive experience and the approach made so much sense to me that I'm determined to have any future babies at this same hospital even if it is a three-hour drive. I loved it that much.

The pushing part gets me the most. Why on earth would anyone think it's healthier to struggle to push the baby out rather than listening to your body?\

Cheers to listening to your body.

Awkward

2007-06-18T06:34:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, my beau and I went to his folks house for a going away bash for his little brother. The whole family was there- aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents.

As the party was winding down, a few of the women were sitting in the kitchen and the subject of grandchildren came up.

It was a lighthearted conversation full of joking and laughing. When asked how many kids I wanted, I told them my beau wants a dozen.

We laughed and his grandma and aunt started sharing all the woes of a new baby. The grandma made a comment about changing my mind after the first and the aunt followed it up with a comment about changing my mind after the first trimester.

I said something silly and then they both went on to say how you never know and sometimes things just happen, etc.

I twiddled my thumbs.

I actually thought they knew about my daughter. I know his parents know and we actually see this aunt and grandma about as often as we see his folks. Obviously they don't know.

And I kicked myself again for not taking the golden opportunity to tell. I certainly am not worried that these two women will judge my choice. I was just unprepared.

So This Is Love?

2007-06-15T14:17:00.000-04:00

Ah, love!

I've read some blogs lately about firstfamily love. It's something I've thought about in my own adoption experience.

I did not conceive during an illicit affair. I was actually on a man hiatus so my pregnancy was a bit of a shock to those close to me.

The relationship does sound romantic. I met him in Italy. He wined and dined me pretty much every night of my three weeks there. At Christmas, I flew to Germany to spend the holidays with him.

I came home pregnant.

It was all a bit fast for a real lasting connection.

Still, I suppose some of that fire does run through my blood.

I didn't think much about displays of love when I chose my daughter's parents. Since then, I have thought about it often.

I've never seen her parents express any kind of love or affection toward each other. It's not that they're hostile. They just don't show much passion or connection to each other. And yes, it bothers me.

I sometimes think about the messages my daughter gets. Sometimes I'm glad I'm there to show her a different type of romantic relationship. I wonder how she will love when she is older.

Phone Tag

2007-06-10T19:38:00.000-04:00

Thanks for taking care of the blog world during my absence.

My daughter and I have been playing phone tag for about a month. I finally talked to her tonight. I was overdue. It's hard to go so long without seeing her or talking to her.

She's doing well. She won a fish yesterday and she wants me to come over next Sunday to see it. I won't be heading there until sometime in July though because we're both booked up until then. I like the summer visits anyway.

I have no other adoption news. I've been taking a break from things and haven't had any writing inspiration. This time of the year is full of end-of-school stuff so it keeps me busy.

Hopefully I'll be around more though. I just need something to write about....

Checking In

2007-05-21T19:42:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to move Mother's Day off the top of my page. It all worked out in the end. I haven't talked to my daughter or her family at all so no news there. The desire to tell is still there occasionally, but right now my mind is elsewhere. I'm counting on all of you to hold up the blogosphere right now.

More On Mother's Day: Instructions Included

2007-05-14T18:01:00.001-04:00

My daughter's voicemail message:

Uh, where are you? Hi Poor_Statue! mumble mumble Hi Poor_Statue! mumble mumble mumble (mom in background: Stop mumbling!) Hi Poor_Statue! Happy Mother's Day! I just wanted to say hello. If you want to call mumble mumble I love you! mumble mumble Yes, we would like to come over. mumble mumble I love you! Yeah, I really want to come to your house because if I don't then I won't see you. And I love you very, love you very much. mumble mumble (phone rings in background, mom says to say goodbye) Bye bye, I love you.

I also got nice emails from my mom and aunt, cards from my sister and parents, a Saturday lunch date with a friend, a text and call from my sister, and a myspace comment from another friend. I spent the day half cleaning, half crying, half lying on the couch catching up on TiVo (yes, the day was longer than usual).

I was briefly inspired to create an Oprah-worthy video after watching an episode that highlighted adoption (anyone see it?). I wanted to tell my story- my side. The main thing that stood out for me was the ignorance.

I imagined Oprah saying how she never knew. I thought about all the people in my life who use ignorance about adoption to explain their or other's behavior.

I thought about how wrong it is. Most people know at least a little bit about what it means to be an adoptive parent. Well, for every adoptive family, there is a woman like me (and a man like Brad). Why don't they know my story?

I was feeling crappy-reeling from the insensitive comment, knowing the whole day would be tainted by it, wondering why I was cleaning house on Mother's Day.

I thought I wrote some tips on navigating Mother's Day last year, but there was nothing in my archives.

So I bring them to you today- now that the fog has lifted a bit.

The number one rule for Mother's Day:

You must acknowledge me.

I listed all the ways I was acknowledged this weekend. They were all enough. A simple email, a text message, a call, a card, a comment- they were all enough.

This has always bothered me. I've heard all the variations of "But you're not the one raising her, so why should you be acknowledged on Mother's Day?," "But it doesn't feel right," "But Mother's Day is for mother's and children."

I'm getting angry about it already.

The fact is, it means a lot to me to be acknowledged and it costs you nothing (or very little), so what's the big deal? You can feel awkward about it. Imagine how awkward it feels for me.

I know it's not typical. I know Mother's day is all about hearts and flowers and celebrating. I know that that is not what Mother's Day is for me. I know it will feel different than the Mother's Days you celebrate with everyone else. I definitely don't need to be reminded that I'm not the one raising my daughter.

I am still a mother.

All I want is a "Happy Mother's Day" no matter how awkward or weird or untrue. It tells me you understand that my motherhood (or notmotherhood) is a part of who I am. It tells me you accept me. It tells me you know that this day means something to me even if it isn't the typical picture of Mother's Day.

Mother's Day is without question, the most painful day of the year for me.

I need the acknowledgement of the day. I need the acknowledgement that I have a place in that day. I need someone to recognize that I gave birth to a child- one that I carried in my womb and nurtured for nine months.

It's so simple for you to do. It means the world to me.

One last note: Most friends and non-immediate family members are exempt from this rule. I mean it for the people really close to me. No big discussions or plans are required to fulfill your responsibility. Just a very simple "Thinking of you today." or "Happy Mother's Day"

My mom's email messages are my favorite. I never respond appropriately because I can't express that much emotion, but every year she wishes me a Happy Mother's Day and acknowledges that it's probably a tough day for me.

Fuck

2007-05-13T08:27:00.000-04:00

Mother's Day.

I thought this year would be better.

I thought finally, I am surrounded by people that see me as a mother.

And then.....

...someone I care about said the worst thing you could say to me about this day.

After I picked my jaw up off the floor and said, "You just said the worst thing you could have possibly said to me," I fought the tears.

And people wonder why there is a wall.

On a happier note, my mother will be spending Mother's Day with my daughter today.

My Social Worker

2007-05-09T18:57:00.001-04:00

I sometimes feel like the only firstmom blogger who dealt with someone decent while pregnant.

I don't remember how I found the agency. I had already found my daughter's parents. I talked to someone at Planned Parenthood, but that didn't go anywhere. I just needed to do things legally. Somehow, I ended up at Catholic Social Services speaking with M.

I'm not sure that Catholic Social Services would be the first place that springs to mind when trying to drum up great adoption agencies. From what I hear, I also live in an extremely old-fashioned state when it comes to adoption. Open adoption is very rare around here.

I walked into my social worker's office with my mind made up. I'm stubborn and distrustful. I weighed all my options before ever walking into her office. I dealt with my reservations. I informed my family. I researched the aftereffects. I had first-hand experience with adoptees whose adoptions destroyed them. I had plenty of experience with single parents. The counseling I went for was a state requirement- not anything I really wanted.

I had never heard of open adoption when I walked into her office. At my first meeting with my daughter's future parents, they mentioned visits and I responded with a variation of, "Are you nuts? You should be a family." Basically, I went for counseling understanding a very traditional view of adoption and some knowledge of the possible pain for the child I was carrying.

My social worker was amazing.

I couldn't have been easy to deal with. Every week, we talked about the possibility of parenting. CSS was set up to help moms in crisis. I passed the room full of ready-to-go newborn supplies every time I visited. My social worker reminded me every time I saw her that I could choose to parent. With little cooperation from me, we put a parenting plan in place. She had temporary care with visitation set up and ready for me if I decided I needed more time after my daughter was born. I probably sighed every time she mentioned it, but she continued to let me know that not only could I parent, but that I could decide to parent after my daughter was born, no matter what I had told the people in my life.

My social worker was a true believer in open adoption. To her, that is the only way to do adoption.Early on, she figured out that the best way to convince me was to send me home with stuff to read. This part must have been fun for her because I always read everything she gave me. She started me off small: a few of Brenda Romanchik's pocket books, some open adoption newsletters.

I didn't trust her. She was so passionate about open adoption that I felt she was trying to sell me something. I was so skeptical.

She just gave me more things to read: Jim Gritter's books, other things.

I read them all and by my sixth month, I got it. I was a believer, too.

Although I never listened to her, my social worker encouraged me to create a contract, she warned me that open adoption isn't legally enforceable, she pointed out all the red flags with my daughter's parents (and despite how great it is now, she was absolutely right), she told me that the amount of pain I would experience from placing was incomprehensible. She encouraged me to write about why I was choosing adoption. She told me that there would come a time when my decision would no longer make sense. She told me that I would end up feeling regret. She encouraged me to feel all of my feelings, to claim my daughter, told me little things that I could do to mark the relationship.

She explored with me the possibility of my daughter having serious issues with being adopted. She shared all the statistics with me. She let me know that my daughter would likely be angry with me. She made me think about how I would respond.

She made me consider the possibility that the adoptive parents would divorce or undergo some other tragedy. She wanted to make sure that placing my daughter was not my attempt to make up for things in my life that were only temporary.

We explored in great depth the likelihood that my daughter's adoption would close. We talked about what to do. When I started having regular visits, she encouraged me to document them. She taught me that the healthiest thing for my daughter was to get a long with her mother so that my daughter would never have to choose between us.

With her encouragement and support, I asked hard questions of the people in my life to help me make my decision. I relished every moment of my pregnancy. I spoke openly to the regulars in my life about my decision.

And I kept reading as fast as she could give me things to read.

I didn't end up placing through CSS, but my social worker continued to see me for about six months after I placed.

She did so much for me.

After my daughter was born and I was no longer in full crisis mode, I continued to do research on open adoption. I took a full twelve weeks off of work and was barely sleeping (major depression) so I just read and read.

It was during that time and since that I was really able to appreciate everything my social worker did. When I hear about agency reform, I can say with confidence that my social worker did everything in her power to do things ethically. She followed all the best advice out there. I had great pre-placement counseling. In a very short time and with an extremely reluctant client, my social worker managed to give me thorough and solid information.

She's retired now, but every so often I'll send a card and get a note in return. Neither she nor I ever thought my open adoption would be where it is today and it feels good to share it with her.

To some, I know that must make me more of a monster. I wasn't coerced (yes, I know that there were some coercive elements involved- I discussed them all with my social worker). I had a lot of information. I was warned. I was given the option to parent.

I chose not to.

I'll save that choice for another day....

A Chat With My Little One

2007-05-01T19:26:00.001-04:00

I decided to call them for a change Sunday night. They were in the middle of dinner so they said they'd call back. By the time they did, I couldn't talk. They called again yesterday.

My daughter told me all about ice skating this weekend and how she was helping her friends.

She told me about some crazy thing they did at the house with a toothpick and some random ingredients. She asked if she could do it at my house next time she visits and got all excited when I said yes.

She's a sweetheart.

I also caught up with her mom a bit. It wasn't a super conversation, but it was fine.

I've been a lot more tired than usual lately so I'm having a hard time doing normal things. Hopefully, I'll have more to say soon.

Seeing My Face

2007-04-29T18:38:00.000-04:00

My daughter's mom emailed some pictures and several are from the last two visits.

My daughter has my face. As she gets older, it's becoming more noticeable. Plus, we've been able to get a few pictures in which we're both smiling so the similarity is even more obvious. My eyes scrunch up a lot more than hers and my face is starting to show my age, but the sameness is so recognizable now. I look at pictures of us together and my eyes fill with tears. I am reminded of how much I am missing.

At our Easter brunch, although I did not sit next to my daughter, the waitress directed her questions to me as though I were her mother. It took several moments before my body language and glances at my daughter's mom caused her to correct herself. So the sameness must be noticeable to others now, too.

Eavesdropping

2007-04-21T17:34:00.000-04:00

During our Easter brunch, I was drawn to a conversation at another table that was clearly about adoption.

The sentence I heard clearly, "The adoptive parents couldn't do anything about it."

A snippet I caught, "she befriended them and then..."

I tried to listen more.

I was caught off guard.

From what I did hear, it was clearly an anti-birthmother story.

And there we were at the next table: my daughter, her parents, her grandmother, and me.

If they only knew!

Evelyn Bennett

2007-04-16T13:29:00.000-04:00

This child should be returned to her mother and grandparents. How can the potential adoptive parents live with themselves knowing that they have taken a child from her mother?

This child is not in danger. There was nothing legal about her transfer to the potential adoptive parents. Her mother and grandparents want to raise her.

She belongs back home.

Listen to the story here.

For more information, read the Origins press release.

Meet the Robinsons

2007-04-11T18:53:00.000-04:00

Last night, I read Claud's account of going to see "Meet the Robinsons". I had my homeroom last period today. They were working in partners and I was entering some grades on my computer. I heard a group next to me start talking about going to see the movie. Without thinking about it, I told them not to go see it- that they should boycott it.

For anyone who doesn't know, my students do not know I have a child. There are three people at work that know. That's it. Of course my students asked why they should boycott it. I tried to be brief- saying something about how it's upsetting to people touched by adoption because it gets it all wrong. They wanted to know more. I told them I didn't want to talk about it, but uncharacteristically, they pressed for more.

I only knew what I read on Claud's blog and that was fuzzy. Blogger is blocked at work. I googled the press release and gave them highlights from that. They wanted to know more. I tried to tell them more without giving anything away. I mostly focused on how upsetting it was to adopted children.

I started telling them about reading the story of Claud (I described her as a friend) taking her children to see it. From everything I had said, they should have assumed Claud was an adoptive mother taking her adopted children to see it. Instead I was interrupted by a boy on the other side of the room: "Did she do that?"

(Disclaimer: I'm not really sure what adoption language was and wasn't used, so don't bother commenting on my or their word choice)

Me: "What do you mean?"

Him: "Did she give up her baby?"

Another kid: "Were her kids adopted or did she have a kid she gave up?"

Me: (thinking, how did they know? and probably getting red in the face) Um, yeah, she placed her son and she brought the two kids she was raising and it really bothered her to sit through a movie that gave her kids such a bad message about their family.

They totally got it. We talked for awhile. I tried as best I could to give my knowledge of why the movie was bad. They were interested. They were respectful.

The most interested girl then commented: "But if they knew it was about adoption [meaning everyone who was upset, not Claud specifically] and it might be upsetting, why did they go?"

It was an interesting and honest question that to me spoke volumes about how little most people know about adoption.

Me: But they should want to go. If you hear that a movie is about an adopted child, you will want to bring your child so they can see that they are not alone- that there are other kids like them.

She nodded but I hadn't really gotten my point across. My first thought was to use a racial analogy, but I did fear offending someone. Eventually, I did it anyway.

Me: That's like being Chinese and someone telling you not to see a movie with Chinese people in it because it might be upsetting. If a movie offends the very people it is about, then they are doing something wrong.

I tried to get off the topic, but it wasn't over yet. She asked if I was surprised by how Disney did things. A couple kids had mentioned that people assume Disney does things right. I said yes and no. I said that I wasn't surprised at the stereotypes because I know they are everywhere. I said I was surprised that a big company like Disney with so many people working for them screwed up so badly. I made the point that just a tiny bit of research would have quickly made them aware how wrong their movie was. I told them that the movie just perpetuated a bunch of outdated stereotypes about adoption.

Finally, I said I was going to stop talking about it because I was getting upset.

We had touched on why women give babies up, identity issues, rejection issues- both of the adopted child and the birthfamily, the whole chosen thing. I can't say I did a great job with everything. I was unprepared to discuss it in the middle of my math class. I was trying not to let my emotions carry me away. I was trying not to make their understanding of adoption worse. I was also trying not to make them feel bad for not understanding a topic that is so close to my heart.

It was emotional and interesting, but not something I care to repeat. Still, I felt a little bit proud about fighting some of those myths and stereotypes for our next generation.

Poor_Statue, How Did You Make Me?

2007-04-08T19:59:00.000-04:00

It was a nice holiday visit. I arrived a bit before dinner yesterday and my daughter promptly showed off her headstand skills.

We played Slap jack (she cheats!), I taught her War, and we played Go Fish. We also watched a bit of The Parent Trap which she knows basically by heart. In fact, she plays and sings along with anything on TV.

We had a delicious dinner and dessert and then got ready for bed. She's still asking me to get dressed with her and I'm still saying no.

We slept together this time- on a pull-out couch in her playroom. This was her choice. She likes her mom to rub her back before bed so her mom did and then I was pleased that she asked me to continue after her mom left.

It was odd to share a bed with her- having my little girl lying beside me. I got lots of elbows in the face and discovered that she sits up and talks in her sleep several times throughout the night. She sat up once from a bad dream and it was nice to pull her in next to me and go back to sleep. With all the waking up, it was a pretty terrible night of sleep, but I guess I'm grateful I slept at all.

She woke up early and happy. We had a small breakfast and then got ready for church. She didn't want my help getting dressed this time though she was still in a good mood. Church was nice. She was a little fascinated by the fact that I sang along with all the hymns and she kept getting a book to try to join me. Mostly though, she didn't like church.

We met up with her grandmother and went out for brunch. I got the first really big sweet hug from her at brunch, but our food took an hour to come out so for the most part she was restless. The service and food turned out terrible, but the company was good. I really do enjoy spending time with her family and when my daughter came over for that unsolicited cuddling, her mom gave me a huge and knowing smile.

On the way home from breakfast, my daughter asked me how she was made. The car went silent. I was caught off guard. I did my best short explanation. Her mom offered to have me read my daughter's "baby book" (I made her a lifebook.) when we got back, but my daughter insisted she hear it straight from me right then. Her mom added some more information after I said my short piece and that was the end of it. I still wish I knew what she was thinking.

Then, I said my goodbyes, got a kiss, a hug, and an I love you, and went on my way.

The goodbye part is always the worst.

Another Holiday

2007-04-04T19:46:00.000-04:00

I've been invited for Easter. This will be the third holiday in this past year. Amazing.

And I need it. Life is stressing me out right now. It'll be good to see her.

Evolution of a Blog

2007-04-03T18:15:00.000-04:00

Please forgive my extended absence. I was so busy enjoying my 30s that I couldn't find time to post.

In the meantime, I've been awarded the Thinking Blogger award twice!

And so I said thanks by disappearing. Well, not really, but I was a bit overwhelmed and so thought it would be a good time to reflect on how this blog came to be.

In the spring of 2004, I became interested in politics for the first time in my life. I read and watched everything I could find and then ranted to my then fiance about how stupid everyone was. Tired of my ranting, he suggested I start a blog and directed me to Blogger where my blog, Convince Me, was born.

I blogged quite often back then and realized that there was this entire community out there blogging right along with me. I put quite a bit of time and work into my blog back then. I learned that the more I commented on other blogs, the more visitors I'd get.

Then September came- the month of my daughter's birth. I was struggling. I'd been telling myself for a long time that I would journal about my adoption experiences, but I never did. This time though, I had a new way to journal- a blog.

It seemed inappropriate to blog about adoption grief on my political blog, so I created this place- red letters on a black background to reflect my mood. I never intended to publicize it or try to get readers the way I did for my other blog. This was my private, dark place. I kept it public just in case someone stumbled upon it and needed to hear from someone like them.

I blogged here just for me for awhile, never realizing that there was another community of adoption bloggers out there. There was no pressure to write. Most of those early entries reflected days when losing my daughter hurt too much to deal with.

Meanwhile, I had become an active member of Daily Kos. I loved it there and was starting to get noticed. Every so often, liberal bloggers like to redebate abortion. There are plenty of pro-life democrats and so giant discussions would take place and invariably someone would throw adoption out there as the perfect solution. I started to speak up online, outside of the adoption forums and private groups. Because I constantly said the same things and couldn't say enough in a comment, I started to include a link back here on all my comments on Daily Kos.

My stats didn't skyrocket- every poster on Daily Kos is hoping their blog will become the next big thing because of the exposure there and so the Kos regulars are hesitant clickers, but I did get a few regular readers. A few others found me on their own somehow. I remember thinking to myself: "Wow, twenty people come here every week just to read what I have to say!" It didn't seem real.

Soon I was invited into the blog ring and others started finding me. It didn't take long for me to realize that my two blogs had switched places- this was the blog people came back to read. And so eventually I gave up on Convince Me and tried to focus more of my energy here.

It's still not perfect. I don't ever want to feel pressured to write here so I frequently disappear for weeks. I've struggled with the change in this place for me, my obligation to my readers, my obligation to others in the adoption blogosphere. I long ago decided that I wanted to keep this a place where I primarily tell my story. I'm not ready to be an activist. I have opinions about things, but my main purpose is to document my experience. The nice benefit is that it gives everyone a glimpse into a real open adoption.

I'm flattered that what began as a personal journal has become something that makes people think.

Much thanks to Wraith and Imperfect Christian for recognizing me. What I think is really special is that the three of us represent all three sides of the triad- to me, that's what talking about adoption is all about- coming together.

You can find the link to the awards origins here.

And now, to acknowledge five blogs of my own. At first I wanted to try to give all new people, but I don't think that approach is in the spirit of the award so instead I'm just going to give my five.

In no special order:

1. Claud at Musings of the Lame: I know Claud makes lots of us think, but I want to share why she's special to me. Claud forces me to consider how I present myself here. While I don't want to be an activist, I also don't want to give any expectant mother the feeling that adoption will work for them. I'm in an ideal situation and I do not regret my adoption decision, but because of Claud, I always try to make sure I acknowledge that adoption is not the solution for most women. I find her words difficult to read at times (though not nearly as difficult to read as all the cruel commenters over there), mostly because she forces me to find a balance between living my truth while recognizing hers.

2. Dawn at This Woman's Work: Another popular blogger, but someone who again stands out for me. Part of my interest in Dawn is because she is on the other side of my personal story. In addition to that, Dawn asks and answers hard questions. I've written more than one post in response to something I've read on her blog, a very concrete example of how she makes me think.\

3. Nicole at Paragraphein: Again, Nicole is in a similar situation as me. When I read her, I get a glimpse of my future. Like Dawn, Nicole is not afraid to tackle difficult topics. Back in my blog beginnings, I linked to her so much I was afraid she'd think I was a bit crazy because she always had such deep thought-provoking posts and she always seemed to perfectly post about whatever I was thinking about. This is one blog I'd hate to live without.

4. Addie at According to Addie: When I found Addie, I went back and read her entire archives. She tackles difficult topics with incredible humor. I like reading about her point of view. I like reading about her struggles. I like reading about her beliefs. And because Addie's voice is from yet another side of the triad, hearing her perspective definitely makes me think.

5. Susan at Reading Writing Living: Susan seems to fill every post with meaning. She writes about a variety of topics, but she always encourages her readers to think and to ask themselves questions. And I do.

So my fellow bloggers, the torch has been passed:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.

2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.

3. Optional: Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote.

Sweetness and Light

2007-03-18T20:17:00.000-04:00

"Happy Birthday, Poor_Statue!"

My daughter just said the most enthusiastic happy birthday ever.

Then she sang to me and tried to show me a picture through the phone and made up some gobbedly-gook when she couldn't understand what I was trying to get her to tell her mom.

She's wonderful.

Telling and Knowing

2007-03-17T11:47:00.000-04:00

I told two more people last night.

Yesterday, my job celebrated my birthday. First, my kids gave me a decoupaged box. One of the things on it said "Parent and Teacher". I was a little freaked out. Do they know?

A bunch of us went out after work. There was a little mix-up so my friend and I were sitting waiting to see if anyone was coming and we talked about one of the women I work with. This woman was assigned to me full-time when I started teaching at my school and she still works with me (though not full time). She's one of my favorite work people. I've thought of telling her a few times, but she used to be really close to another coworker who's loud and judgemental, so I never did. Lately, they're not as close and I'm feeling closer to her. I told my friend I was thinking of telling her.

Turns out everyone was over at the bar while we were in the restaurant so they ended up joining us. There were a bunch of us and we were having fun and I was thinking that maybe I wanted people to know. I'm tired of keeping a secret. A couple people left.

It was my beau and I, my best friend and her beau (who both know), this other woman I've been wanting to tell, and the teacher I'm mentoring and her beau. I've also thought of telling the teacher I mentor. We get along great and spend a lot of time together.

After a few more drinks, my best friend started to encourage me to tell them. I had mixed feelings. We were having fun and I didn't want to make it awkward. We'd both been drinking a bit so I knew that was making me more willing to tell. At the same time, what better time than out away from school while we're bonding and I'm surrounded by the people who support me the most.

After about a half hour of finding a good moment to share, I told. And they were great. And it didn't spoil the mood. The woman I worked with since day one said it made her feel bad that I had such a rough beginning at that job. Both immediately recognized the pain involved. And even better, the night went on and you'd never have been able to tell that I'd made this major revelation.

Do I Ever Want to Walk Away?

2007-03-12T20:09:00.000-04:00

Round is Funny asked if I've ever wanted to pull away from my open adoption. The short answer is yes, many times.

She also wondered how my daughter's parents handled it, but the thing is, I've never really pulled away. I don't initiate contact much and they have asked me to make more of an effort in that area, though I think they've given up on that by now. The truth is I stink at keeping in touch with everyone and it pretty much runs in my family. I have no idea if they ever have to do damage control for my lack of communication or how they do it if they do.

But.....I do have lots of thoughts about why it's so tempting to pull away.

First things first, it is a myth that open adoption somehow makes things easier. You know that whole group who might admit that closed adoption is wrong and harmful, but argue that open adoption is all sweetness and light, especially for birthmothers. Because I can see my daughter and know that she is okay and be a part of her life, there is this misconception that I don't (and shouldn't) have any of the well-documented negative effects of relinquishment. Um, it's not true (though I confess to having no personal knowledge of being a birthmother in a closed adoption). I do have plenty of those same loss-related issues.

And out among most of the rest of the world, it's really hard to defend and explain open adoption. While intellectually, I believe in the benefits, it can be hard to stand behind them.

Let's face it, even among those who accept open adoption, there is still a sense that open adoption is about making things better for the birthparents. It is a sacrifice that adoptive parents make because they are so good and kind-hearted. It is the only way women these days will give up their babies (those birthmothers have become awfully demanding, haven't they?). It's about lessening the effects on the birthmother. The message is that I should feel very lucky that I am allowed to see me daughter. Her parents are awfully generous for allowing me to visit.

Even those who acknowledge that adoptees benefit from knowing their roots cling to the idea that it should be on their terms, not the birthparents'. And because little kids aren't seen as able to make those decisions, those same people usually leave it up to the adoptive parents or for some later date when the child is deemed old enough to ask for contact. An alarming number of people truly believe that open adoption is harmful. Because most of these people happen to be adoptive parents and therefore deemed more respectable by the general public, it seems they get a lot more support for their side.

Still, even if we assume that both parties understand and agree with all of the benefits to all the triad members, there is basically no support from society, including a big chunk of the adoption world. All of the false messages I've already mentioned (and many more) are the majority view. My daughter's parents' social workers told them that open adoption would be confusing and that they never should have given me their address. My friends encouraged me to walk away and "let them be a family." Even today, most of the people in my life continue to tell me how lucky I am to be allowed to see my daughter. Even those who are supportive of my open adoption are supportive because they care about me, not because they really believe it's better for her. When the rest of the world can't see the benefits, it can be very hard to keep believing in them yourself.

During the first year of my daughter's life (and beyond), my daughter's parents questioned the need for openness. I see this in the general population as well. People are starting to understand the need and desire for information, but beyond that? Not so much. An actual physical relationship? No way. Actually thinking of yourselves as family? Crazy. For awhile, my daughter's parents felt the same. They wondered if having all that information about me would be enough to meet that need for my daughter. Couldn't I just put everything down on paper so they could answer any questions as they arose? Did my daughter really need to physically know me? And on my side: wouldn't I get over it better if I just walked away?

By accepting that adopted children do need to physically know their birthparents,we have to acknowledge both the bond they share and the loss that is felt. We have to accept that eternal connection. We have to be willing to accept that the relationship is important. We have to really believe that the biological family is still family. I've met very few people who really feel that in their core.

Birthmothers often give that validation to each other, but it often comes across as a way to help ease the pain and guilt associated with losing a child to adoption rather than a genuine belief that the connection should be valued. Often it's said out of happiness for the birthmother and no other reason. There's nothing wrong with that, but imagine that even in the small group of other birthmothers you know, you are still a misunderstood minority. I've participated in some communities where I was made to feel guilty about grieving my open adoption. How could I complain and grieve when I at least still had contact.

There are other people who say the words because the literature has convinced them, but it is clear they are still questioning the truth of it. The truly adoption-ignorant (nothing insulting meant with that description) can most easily be persuaded. Give them a few of the arguments and a light bulb goes off (oh yeah, that makes perfect sense). Everyone else gets caught up in choosing a side or just sticks to the one adoption story they know and clings to how that was done.

I still think it goes back to society. We are a long, long way from embracing open adoption.

There are no visible models of open adoption. It's not a well understood way to make a family. Living open adoption fully requires the willingness and ability to constantly educate people and to fight against the preconceptions and prejudices (this goes for all involved parties). It can involve sharing more than you want to share about your life. It involves all the same complications as other family relationships except that most of the world doesn't see you as family and is more than likely to encourage you to cut ties when things get hard.

Open adoption means that the people I get close to have to accept that part of me. While it may be unhealthy, if my daughter's adoption were closed, I could live as if she didn't exist. Other than the lie of omission, there would be no covering up. I could bury that secret away and live my life in blissful denial. People do it all the time with a variety of dark secrets.

Living open adoption also means accepting the somewhat opposing beliefs that I am both unworthy of mothering my daughter and important enough to have my own unique relationship with her. For me, sometimes the openness makes me wonder why I thought I couldn't raise her. If I was trying to protect her from my bad parenting, then what am I doing still playing a part in her life? Shouldn't I be staying away? Isn't that why she isn't with me?

Added to that is the message that because I chose to give her up, I have an obligation to stay out of her life. As the relinquisher, I have also lost my right to have a valid opinion about adoption. My choice and my sins have taken away my right to advocate for open adoption. I'm not allowed to try to persuade people that open adoption is healthy because clearly my motives are not pure. Clearly, I'm just not able to let go, to accept that I gave my daughter up. I just want to infringe on her parents right to be parents, to get all of the joy of being a mother with none of the work. I know you've all heard those statements. I can bet you that every birthmother who has ever planned to be in an open adoption has heard them too.

I've said it a lot, but it is absolutely true that the pregnancy and surrender cause enough shame and guilt. These additional comments only help add to the feeling that you are not worthy, that your presence in your child's life is actually harmful, that your reasons for pursuing openness are only about you and not about the child whose life you forever altered (with an emphasis on the blame- I am still the sinner because I abandoned her- almost every blogger has touched on that issue this month). We get those messages from everyone.

99.9999999% of society doesn't understand or believe in openness. Every one of them questions your worth, your character, and your motives purely because you made a choice to give up your own flesh and blood. It is hard to combat those messages, especially when you consider the amount of trauma involved in losing your child, the devastating and unexpected aftereffects of placement, and in some cases the personal history that contributed to your decision to place.

I had it drilled into me that open adoption was good for my daughter, that it was the only humane way to do adoption, and that I had an obligation to her not to walk away. Not a lot of women get that message. Very few women get that message. Yet even with that message drilled into me, I still question my daughter's need for me. My reasoning: Lots of people love her. Seeing me so often causes her pain and distress. I disrupt everyone's life with my visits. Surely the naysayers are right- having the information about me is enough. I should step aside and let them be a family. I should let my daughter decide when she is old enough.

To keep believing in open adoption, you really have to trust the people who taught you about it. You really have to feel enough self-worth. You really have to have people in your life who believe in it too and encourage you to keep in contact. You really have to see the benefits over time to be able to keep investing in open adoption.

And it is an investment. I thought I chose not to parent, but I'm there answering questions and interacting with my child. I'm making decisions about what I'm modeling for her, what things I'm willing to talk about, how I handle difficult situations. I'm influencing her. I didn't get rid of the hard parts of being a parent- I added new complications. I may not get to decide what she eats or what her bedtime is, but I have to decide what message I want to send her about her birthfather, about love, about losing her, about why someone could give up their child.

I had to trust virtual strangers to raise my child and I get to witness firsthand the things that make them great parents as well as the things I would do differently. I get to witness someone else's family traditions and customs become my daughter's norm while mine remain unknown. I get to watch strangers come to know my daughter better than I do.

I get to watch my daughter go through all the milestones from the sidelines. I watch as she turns to someone else for comfort even as I feel all the instincts of a mother to protect her. I pray that she will embrace some of my values while recognizing that I am not the main influence on who she becomes- I gave that up.

I say goodbye to her over and over again. My heart breaks every time I leave. In between I wonder if I will see her again. If she were sick or hurt, would anyone think to call me? When?

Yes, many times I want to walk away. When it gets too hard or too complicated, I want to believe that I am unworthy. I want to believe that I am confusing her. I want to believe that I can move on. I want to believe that our bond is not that important. I want to believe that the couple raising her are the only one's that matter. I want to believe that she will be fine without me. I certainly hear those messages enough.

But then I'll remember her voice calling my name- making sure I'm not far away. I'll see her face as she looks to see if I'm watching. I'll remember her tears as she told me she missed me. I'll remember the way she nonchalantly said that she liked being in my belly. I'll think of the way she sometimes looks at me as if seeing a reflection of herself. That's when I know that I need to stay. That's when I know that open adoption really is good for my daughter. And then I recommit to staying in her life.

I Have the Cutest Kid In The Universe!

2007-03-11T17:48:00.000-04:00

Nothing against any of your kids, but my daughter is adorable.

I had a wonderful, wonderful visit.

She greeted me at the door, excited to see me. We had a fun afternoon bike riding and watching half a movie and racing cars. She gave me birthday presents shortly after I arrived and of course opened them all for me. It was a sweet surprise- she talked about my special birthday for much of the weekend (it's next Sunday). They gave me a cute outfit and my daughter immediately put the pants on. They also gave me her first report card. I wanted to cry. It was awesome. Plus, my daughter drew me a picture.

We went to play in the backyard and she invited me on the double swing with her. Back to back, we swung. It was sweet. Then she played on her slide, getting incredibly muddy in the process. Her mom asked for a picture of us (yay! have you all been talking to her?) so we went to pose in front of a tree. Unfortunately, my daughter was feeling silly and playing around on the leftover snow. She promptly fell and landed on some cut brush. No picture then. I think the hardest part was that her mom was up in the swing set and I was right next to her, but she wouldn't let me look. My instinct was to respond to her crying. Her instinct was to push me away because she wanted her mommy.

That's when we went in to watch a movie and play a bit.

Later on we hung out in her playroom. We played Uno (she's good!) and looked at animals in her room. Then her grammy came and we left for dinner.

I sat across from her at dinner which was actually really nice. She ordered what I ordered. Her mom said she would never eat that before. She sang for us and later came and sat in my lap. She was in a great mood. They all sang me Happy Birthday. It was just so wonderful. The whole day was so special and it felt so good to be celebrating with my daughter.

We went home and she requested that I stay in her room. She read me a story (though she still wants her mom there for that routine). She's learning a little though I noticed that the words she knows are by sight only and that every "s" word becomes the "s" word she knows. She read a Dick and Jane book (those are such boring books!) and every "s" word was "Spot" or "Sally". She clearly wants to be able to read, but she's not quite there yet.

I went to change and she requested that I change in her room (um, no thanks!). We went to bed. She was so tired, but as soon as her mom left, she popped right up. She whispered that we should play catch and then threw a stuffed animal around with me. She asked me if we could read again ("but we should keep whispering"). This time, I read Dick and Jane until she fell asleep.

It was sort of a trend of the weekend. The whispering and wanting to keep secrets as if I were a little friend she was breaking rules with. None of it was alarming or major- just playful. She'd give me a look from across the room or whisper something silly if someone walked out. I think I did okay though because we had fun, but I stuck to the house rules enough to confuse her this morning. Her mom left me to oversee my daughter's finishing breakfast. I'm never too tough with her, but I did stick to the food rules. She asked if I'd ever babysat her and when I said no she wanted to know how I knew the rules then.

I was up long before her this time. Before breakfast she came down and I was grading papers. She played with those and asked what all of them said. It actually felt kind of fun. Then she colored on one of those magnet boards. I noticed her interest in patterns. She also counted the sides of her drawings. She's very accurate in her language (she even corrected me).

She's also full of rules and likes to be in control. Her mom talked a lot about that. I guess it's a major thing- the need to control everything. She's completely adorable though. She's an excellent storyteller and a great conversationalist. She was in such a great mood all weekend so that made the whole time especially sweet.

We had an interesting moment at breakfast. We were talking about hair and my daughter commented that her hair was "hard", meaning it was hard to manage. Her mom made an offhand remark about how it's hard being a girl. My daughter said, "I know. I wanted to be a boy." and then turned and glared at me. She asked why I didn't make her a boy. Of course, I told her I didn't have a choice and then her mom and I talked about all the fun things about being a girl.

I got her ready for her swim class. That was especially fun because she was feeling silly and I was feeling pretty good so she kept diving on her bed while I changed her clothes. We giggled a lot. At swim, she made sure I came with her to the locker room. She's ready to move on to the next level and this time she made a point of showing me everything she could do. She kept looking up to see if we were watching and smiling her big smile. She takes lessons at a college pool and right now she can swim the whole length of the pool without any assistance- human or otherwise.

After swim we headed back to her house. She asked me to stay a little longer. We went for a bike ride (she rode, I walked) just the two of us. She listened to all my safety instructions (she often tests me or tests her mom because I'm there, so this was nice). We had another good time.

We went back in and she was silly but then suddenly a little off. She kept telling me to "stop being funny" and laid on the floor by the door covering her face and not taking her coat off. She giggled a bit when I pretended to be sad instead of funny, but then went back to not being happy no matter what I said or did. It was different from other times she's been upset when I'm there though. She told me to just be me. I sat with her for a bit, but then I decided just to sit at the table until she got comfortable again. We had a nice lunch just the three of us.

Then I got ready to go. Her mom took another picture of us (my daughter was mostly willing all weekend, another plus) and then my daughter took a nice picture of her mom and I (I hope I get a copy).

Then I left and my daughter waved and we blew kisses.

I had a lot of fun with her this visit.

Things I Don't Like To Hear

2007-03-08T17:50:00.000-05:00

Some comments make me feel sick inside. Some comments make me realize how far we still have to go. Some comments make me realize just how may people think they know the only way to live. Some comments make me so angry.

A list of some of the latest:

1. Birthmothers should start showing compassion for adoptive parents.

2. When will women learn to use birth control?

3. You chose to have sex.

4. You chose to give your child up.

5. Birthmothers need to take responsibility.

6. Why should I pay for someone else's mistakes (through welfare programs, etc.)?

7. Stop blaming others for your choice.

8. Most adopted children don't feel that loss you're claiming.

9. There are plenty of happy adoption stories.

10. Most agencies, lawyers, social workers are ethical.

11. No women today are pressured into adoption.

12. Move on.

What makes it worse is that I find it is often the case that the same people who feel free to make moral judgements about the rest of the world are the ones hiding the truly disgusting skeletons in their closets. Those who choose to lead their lives with honesty are bombarded with more hate than any human being should have to face.

I do think that there is a fine line between playing the victim and being honest about difficult subjects, but I don't think those who hate are targeting the victim-players, I think they are targeting the thinkers- the ones who are willing to see both sides, the ones who are opening up their hearts and lives to try to make the world better. I'd even go as far as to say that many of the folks who unleash judgement and hate are the ones who really are playing the victim and refusing to accept responsibility for their choices and lives. And yet they throw their nastiness and accusations at people who are living with honor.

There are too many people who want to shame women like me. They act as if they know the whole story, sometimes the only story, and then judge me for my life.

I don't need to be shamed, thank you very much. Society has made me feel enough shame.

I don't need to learn to take responsibility for my choice. I live with the consequences every day. They are enough of a reminder.

I don't need a lesson in birth control any more than you need a lesson in getting pregnant. I know how it should work. I know that sometimes it doesn't. Don't you know the same?

More to come....

February Again

2007-03-06T18:23:00.000-05:00

One of my classes commented on my recent perkiness.

It got me thinking a bit.

In the past, I have had rough Februaries. In fact, looking at just the ones that are archived here, I saw that I, too, have struggled with February.

Of course, in the past I've struggled during lots of months besides February.

But this year I feel really good. Better than I've felt since my daughter was born.

I feel alive and calm and content.

There are lots of factors, but I'm sure part of it is that my relationship with my daughter and her family is a good one.

Adoption on Cold Case

2007-03-04T19:58:00.000-05:00

Tonight's episode of Cold Case will feature the maternity homes of the 50s and 60s. Just thought I'd let you all know.

And They All Woke Up

2007-03-04T11:30:00.000-05:00

As all my blogging friends come out of their seasonal funk, some ready to fight, others ready to refocus, I am thawing.

Something is making me emotional today. First PostSecret got me all teary. Then reading Dawn's account of a recent visit had me ready to break down.

I'm going there to visit next weekend. I think my body is getting ready.

A Belly

2007-02-25T11:44:00.000-05:00

Inspired by Suz:

Hope. Promise. Uncertainty. A new life. A new way of being.

I couldn't know.

February and Sadness

2007-02-24T10:51:00.000-05:00

For me, February is a quiet month.

Although cold, there is the promise of spring around the corner as well as the end of the school year. After the whirlwind of the holiday season and the recovery period that we call January, February offers a break. It is cold and still and swift. As soon as it begins, it is over.

In February, I want to do nothing. It is an in-between time- before and after my busiest times. Because of this, I can accomplish very little. My mind and body join forces to keep me from doing things. This year, I feel calm.

February is also a lonely time. By February, the cold is no longer charming. My social routines have disappeared. The urge is to bundle up and lay on the couch reading or watching TV. The thought of venturing out into the cold is enough to keep me from doing it. The stretch from January to May is a time when visits with my daughter are unplanned. I never know when I will see her next. During my pregnancy, I was also very alone during February. This year it didn't bother me. Instead, I found the aloneness refreshing. After sharing a home for five years, I was happy to be in my own place with no one to answer to.

I did not experience the sadness that plagued so many of my blogging friends. I just experienced a quiet.

Have I been sadder about my daughter lately?

Nicole wonders if I have. Has open adoption become harder for me?

Yes and no.

I no longer worry about being shut out of her life. She knows who I am. I have my own relationship with her. Her mother and I have reestablished our friendship. I am surrounded by people who accept that part of my life and treat me like a mother. I had none of those things a few years ago.

I'm watching her grow into a confident and happy girl. She's smart and funny and beautiful. She lives in a home where she is free to talk about her feelings. She has countless friends and relatives who consider her the light of their lives. For me, this is bittersweet.

Yes, I love to see her doing so well, but every milestone, every friend and family member, every new interest is a reminder of everything our relationship isn't. Seeing her do so well makes me feel both better and worse. She is my daughter but I am only a tiny part of her world. The older she gets, the more the separation grows.

Lately there is another complication: the telling. It's something that has always been a dilemma for me. I've written about it often. How can someone be a part of my world without knowing about her? How can my daughter be a full part of my world when inviting her into it requires me to figure out which places and people are safe? I sometimes think about showing my daughter around my school or inviting her to some school function. I would love to have her there. But they don't know about her.

Sometimes people ask how she is. Many are people who knew me pregnant, but do not know I placed. Still others come back into my life and are surprised: "You have a daughter?" The internet has allowed me to reconnect with old friends and they all ask the same questions: "Are you married? Do you have kids?" It doesn't help that in these circles, an unplanned pregnancy is seen as a black mark no matter what the outcome. People shake their heads and cluck as they describe the countless peers who succumbed to unplanned pregnancy. Surviving until now without having a child is like a badge of honor.

I suppose it's not the open adoption that's hard, it's life after adoption. I am torn between the proud and motherly feelings I have for my daughter and the desire to just be a regular single girl again. The worst part is that I am neither. Adoption puts you somewhere in the middle, into some strange and uncomfortable gray area. I am a not-mother.

Three Posts in One

2007-02-22T11:17:00.000-05:00

1. Phone Call:
First things first, I felt like a jerk for not calling or sending a card to my daughter for Valentine's Day. I'm sort of hit or miss with cards, but I did intend to call. Of course they beat me to it. I missed the call on Tuesday but got a sweet voice message from my daughter telling me she loves me and I need to come visit soon so we can play Uno. I called back yesterday. She wanted me to tell her what her message said (Did you get my email? she asked). Other than that, she wasn't feeling very chatty, so I talked to her mom a bit instead. Still, hearing her voice lightens something up for me- a thought that needs its own post.

2. The Study:
I won't link because I'm sure you've all read about it already. I guess my main reaction is that of course the results came out that way. I'm finding it hard to put into words, but it just makes sense to me that adoptive parents- most of whom had a long time to plan for their children etc.- would beat everyone else in terms of time spent on homework and all the other stuff that made the checklist. I think people should wonder why the difference was actually so small. Adoption usually takes planning and money and home studies. I would think that the people who made it through all of that would probably have more time and ability to meet the checklist criteria than the average family. And no I don't think that makes them better and I do agree that it seems the study missed a few things, but really folks- wouldn't you expect those results? It doesn't make adoptive parents better than any other kind of parent- it just reflects the way some folks are weeded out before adoption happens. If I find a better way to explain it, I'll post again.

3. All of you:
I've been taking a break from everything this week and just enjoying the lack of commitment to anything. Before February is over, I'd like to weigh in on what this season does to me and respond to Nicole's observation that I seem sad lately. I'm also going to answer Round Is Funny's question as well. If anyone has any other questions for me, ask away. And thanks for all your suggestions on how to comment. I've been using them, but I don't have any idea how to use filters and forwarding on gmail.

Comments and Questions

2007-02-12T18:27:00.000-05:00

I haven't had much to say lately so I've been spending lots of time on your blogs. While I know I'm not much of a commenter, I actually have been compelled to comment a few times lately. So why haven't I?

Well, for the unaware, new Blogger is tied into your gmail account. I have three gmail accounts: one for blogging, one for a private adoption group I belong to, and one for everything else in the whole wide world. Guess which one I leave open all the time?

Yup, my regular everything-in-the-world account. Which means that every time I go to comment, Blogger recognizes me by my real name. I have to sign out and then sign back in with my blogging gmail account- and then I've lost my constantly open account.

This is a big giant pain and to fix it I'd need to change my browsing habits which is not easy to do for someone like me who thrives on routine and structure.

So my apologies for all the comments I haven't left. I am thinking about you and I'm trying to readjust to this new way of browsing so I can comment whenever I feel like it.

In the meantime, I have no posts brewing in my head so I'd love some suggestions. Are there any questions you've been dying to ask me? Are you curious about my opinion on something? Is there something you'd like me to do in this lovely space of mine (other than change the color of my font :) )?

Ask away. I'm on vacation next week so I should actually have time to write. I just need something to write about.