Saturday, January 12, 2013

I Can Hate It, but Still Be Glad for It.

I'm feeling a bit out of sorts.

Some people I really respect are coming out against adoption.  No matter what.

I don't understand.

I don't regret my choice.

I miss my daughter.  I know my daughter misses me.  I feel bad about moving so far away that I can only see her once a year.

But I don't regret my choice.

I don't subscribe to the view that adoption is so harmful that it should no longer be allowed.

For that reason, I have been afraid to speak.

I feel like there are no more people that can acknowledge adoption loss yet still support the choice.

I find myself cringing at the new job one of my adoption mom friends got.  She's going to be helping hopeful parents create their profiles.  But I also cringe at the articles and statements other friends are making that adoption should be abolished.

I do think the system is corrupted.  I do think things need to change.  I do think some mothers would be able to parent if given more support.  But I'm still glad I had the choice.

I recognize that my daughter will have some scars related to her adoption.  I know I do.  But I don't think I should have been forced to parent.  I don't think I should have been given a choice only between abortion and parenting.

I'm pro-choice.  Had adoption not been an available option, I would have aborted.  Is that really a better solution?  Is my daughter really going to be harmed so much that she should never have been born?

Answer me that, internet.

I feel so alone.


Nancy said...

You made the right choice! No upbringing comes without scars... adoption may (or may not) affect your daughter in a negative way to some degree, but if you had brought her up yourself before you were ready to parent, that would have been worse for her, for you, and her adoptive parents. If you weren't ready to parent, you made the right choice.

There are a lot of rigid people in the anti-adoption camp. Adoption is not an ideal situation, but it's not an awful one, either. Your daughter is alive, and has a good life with her adoptive parents, and she hasn't lost you, either. It's maybe not a perfect situation, but no child has a perfect situation.

You made the right choice.

Petite Coccinelle said...

You are not alone! I know that my choice to place my daughter was 100% right for me, since I'm physically incapable of caring for a child on my own and had no support to help me do it. I know that the way that her adoption was handled was completely ethical and I have a truly open relationship with her parents. Its still hard, it still hurts, but I have an overall positive adoption experience.

Does this mean I'm pro-adoption across the board? Nope! I'm also aware that there is much corruption and coercion in the industry, expectant mothers who could parent if pointed in the direction of existing resources, and some adoptive parents out there who aren't in it for the right reasons or who haven't fully dealt with their personal issues regarding infertility and should before they consider becoming parents.

You can be in support of adoption done the right way, for the right reasons, and when it is truly needed and speak out against the rest. It means that you're looking at the whole picture from multiple points of view and not just your own.

Anonymous said...

Since you know that it has harmed her then why would you say that if it hadn't been that you would have aborted her? Are you saying that you didn't want her? You would have been a great mother to her. You don't have to be against all adoptions but it's pretty obvious that yours wasn't necessary.