For some reason, I just don't enjoy visiting anymore. Last time I went, I babysat, and I thought my lack of enjoyment was because of the babysitting (it was rough). I didn't enjoy this visit either. I sobbed myself to sleep and considered driving home in the middle of the night just because I didn't want to stay.
My daughter is still going through the mom thing ("You're my mom and she's my mommy."). We played a game, watched movies and TV, and read one of the books I brought her (I brought two books and two movies cuz I brought nothing for her birthday). I watched her play Wii for a bit. We had a delicious Thanksgiving dinner (that my daughter chose not to join us for).
Everyone fell asleep watching Alvin and the Chipmunks, except me. While they all trotted off to bed, I finished the movie. Maybe it was being the only one up in the house that set me off. I don't know.
This morning was better. The highlight was my daughter jumping into my arms to say goodbye. As usual she wanted me to stay longer, but I just couldn't. She said I only came because I was her birthdaughter. There were a lot of birthdaughter/birthchild references this weekend.
I think part of it is that I have no say. I don't love all the things that they do. I really don't love the fact that her parents show so little affection for each other. I'm jealous of all the little lovey things they share with her. I still feel awkward.
I don't know. I just don't enjoy it anymore.
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4 comments:
it makes sense to me and i'm sorry that you are having this struggle. in my "open adoption" i was shut out and not even allowed to speak to my daughter after she was 11 months old. i always thought my biggest pain was that they shut me out but its more than that...its the whole mess. its everything about not having her with me, me as her only mother. reading this blog made me realize that had i not been shut out, it would have been just as tough. anyway, i'm wishing you the best in this and hope you will be able to find at least some peace.
-stephanie
Madison sounds so much like your daughter developmentally. Wish you and Pennie were able to talk to each other or something. I'm thinking of you.
Is it not possible for you to have some time with her alone, an outing together for a few hours rather than you staying in their house. Being the guest in someone else's house always makes me feel like I am in someone else's world.
Why didn't you have a birthday present for her?
Oops sorry about the birthday question, you did bring her things. Please forgive me.
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