Visiting

Where to begin?

Had a panic attack before leaving. I didn't want to go.

Once I got there it was good. We went and played at a neighbor's house for awhile. Went back to her house. Played with Play Doh and played Mancala while her mom went to the store.

Played outside. Lot's of tag. It was great. Two-person tag. She just liked it when I caught her and lifted her up.

She's still big on the whole "I'm her mommy thing." Seems very natural to her.

Cooking on the grill, and my daughter wanted to eat outside. So her mom asked us to wash the table. My daughter decided to help by pouring water on the table so I wouldn't have to keep going in to rinse out the sponge. Then she went and got soap and water and poured that on the table. We ended up with a big soapy mess. Her mom was pretty pissed. I stopped having fun at that point.

We had a nice dinner. I tried coming up with reasons to leave that night. I couldn't get it out.

I helped my daughter get ready for bed. We sat with a book. I tried telling her that I might now sleep over. "You're kidding, right?" I started crying. First time crying in front of her. Was so hard to hold it back, but I pulled myself together. She asked why I cried at my wedding and I said it was because I was so happy.

I think in her little girl wisdom she got why I was so sad because she dug out the lifebook I made for her and read it to me until her mom called her down to say goodbye to her grandmother.

She asked me to come sit in her bed with her so I did for awhile. She wanted to show me a bunch of stuff, but her mom got upset again because she was pulling so much stuff out.

Played on the swings the next morning.

Overall, I got lots of love from her, but it was rough.

Sometimes her mom laughs things off or allows her to do things that I wouldn't expect her to be allowed to do, but other times, things I think are kind of funny are frowned on. I mean I get the whole lesson about asking first, but my daughter was trying to be helpful, not trying to make a mess. A little bit of "I know you were trying to be helpful, but it made a mess, so next time ask me." It's so hard to know what to allow her to do (not like the whole soap and water thing was my idea.) I say no to a lot, then find out it's okay when one of her parents walks in and she asks. Plus, her dad lets her do a lot of stuff her mom doesn't want her to do and I usually am somewhere in the middle because I'm the one helping her with stuff. So I hate it.

I couldn't wait to come home so I left even though my daughter wanted me to watch her at her swim lesson.

I came home to a broken door. My husband locked himself out of the apartment on the deck so he decided to break the door to get back in. Now he's laying in bed ignoring me, probably because he knows I'm pissed.

Great weekend.

The Wedding

Here.

Wedding

Tomorrow, my daughter will be the flower girl in my wedding.

Christmas Visit

My daughter was the most affectionate she's ever been this visit.

We had a yummy dinner (of course), played some games, went to an aquarium today.

She's still obsessed with the two moms thing. I've graduated to another "mommy". I used to be the mom and her adoptive mother was the"mommy".

It wasn't very hard at all to visit. I felt relaxed. I was able to enjoy the unusual affection, and I was able to chit-chat with the adults.

All in all, a good time.

More Visiting Difficulty

So I was invited to spend Christmas with them this year. My fiance and I wanted to spend it at home so I declined. The problem is that the only other time they offered was during the week with me babysitting during the day.

I just can't do it.

I made arrangements to drive out there today with babysitting tomorrow, but I've been in tears since I woke up. The thought of babysitting is throwing me into anxiety mode.

I called my fiance to come with me instead. It means another day off for him after he took last week to spend with me, but it's either that or make up some excuse about why I can't go. I don't think I'd get through the ride without an anxiety attack. Hopefully they won't be upset about our late arrival tonight.

I wish I knew what to do. I know she needs to see me. She;s in a stage right now where I'm very important. All she wants to talk about when we call is when I'm coming again. Whenever I say I can't come that day she comes up with all these ways for me to do it. I know I can't let her down-that I'm the adult in this, but I'm no good to her if I'm not functioning. There has to be a happy medium.

My fiance and I are planning to move across the country next summer. I used to say I'd never leave because it would take me away from my daughter, but now I can't wait to go so that my visits will be limited.

Edit: Going on Thursday instead so her folks will be there too.

I Don't Enjoy My Visits Anymore

For some reason, I just don't enjoy visiting anymore. Last time I went, I babysat, and I thought my lack of enjoyment was because of the babysitting (it was rough). I didn't enjoy this visit either. I sobbed myself to sleep and considered driving home in the middle of the night just because I didn't want to stay.

My daughter is still going through the mom thing ("You're my mom and she's my mommy."). We played a game, watched movies and TV, and read one of the books I brought her (I brought two books and two movies cuz I brought nothing for her birthday). I watched her play Wii for a bit. We had a delicious Thanksgiving dinner (that my daughter chose not to join us for).

Everyone fell asleep watching Alvin and the Chipmunks, except me. While they all trotted off to bed, I finished the movie. Maybe it was being the only one up in the house that set me off. I don't know.

This morning was better. The highlight was my daughter jumping into my arms to say goodbye. As usual she wanted me to stay longer, but I just couldn't. She said I only came because I was her birthdaughter. There were a lot of birthdaughter/birthchild references this weekend.

I think part of it is that I have no say. I don't love all the things that they do. I really don't love the fact that her parents show so little affection for each other. I'm jealous of all the little lovey things they share with her. I still feel awkward.

I don't know. I just don't enjoy it anymore.

Update

First, thank you to everyone who has followed me over to my other blog. I appreciate that you care enough about me to keep up with the more mundane parts of my life.

On the adoption front, I had a wonderful Christmas visit with my daughter. They actually invited me to sleep over and then babysit all day the next day. Although the actual visit didn't work quite like that, I did have a long visit with a lot of alone time with my daughter. They were hoping I'd stay a second night, but changing my plans last minute isn't easy for me, so I declined. I did write a post about it which I saved in my drafts. Once I make sure it doesn't contain anything too personal, I'll publish that here. [Already done: see below.]

On to the real news....

Back in October, I mentioned that I had restarted medication and therapy. While the therapy was and continues to be great, the medication part was another story. If you've ever tried medication, you understand what the process is like. The short version is that from October to January, I tried two different medications through my primary care physician and reacted very, very badly to both. Of course, you're advised to give medications time so basically I was barely functioning during that time.

That turmoil was part of the reason I had to close this blog.

I don't regret it at all. I felt an immediate sense of relief. With two or three exceptions (my visit, Juno, some of the blog drama), I felt no desire to post.

Thanks to a referral from my therapist to a great psychiatrist, I am currently doing much, much better...........but I'm still not going to reopen this blog.

In the spirit of my post on OAS, I will start writing adoption posts on my other blog. I realize that takes away from a blog somewhat- it's better when a blog has a particular focus- but I think the choice will be right for me: it's hard to continue to separate my two lives, I'm not looking to get a bunch of readers anyway, I'll feel less pressure to post a certain amount because I'll have unlimited topics. I don't have any problem reading blogs that have multiple topics, especially if I've grown to like a person or their writing, so I think it'll be fine.

I need to create a post there explaining the change, and I'll still post my last visit here. I still plan to keep writing over at Open Adoption Support. I still plan to keep this blog available. I don't know how often I'll post about adoption over there, but I'll create a tag so that those of you who only want to read about adoption can do so easily.

Right now, I think it's time to merge.